[For the proverbial record, this is NOT a "woe-is-me" post, or an attempt to get sympathy. My heart's deepest desire is to comfort just one person who is walking this path, and bring glory to the Lord.]
I have started, deleted, and re-started this post several times. Dealing with a subject that can be practically taboo, yet is as emotionally loaded as a two-ton elephant is not easy. That elephant sits in the middle of almost every room with ladies present, yet we stumble around it, not wanting to hurt the hurting, not wanting to be uncomfortable, not wanting to be vulnerable. Yet, with each story comes a path the Lord divinely ordained for us to walk. The glory of our paths is they can be used to help others along their own journey and bring glory to the Father holding each of our lost ones.
My path down this road started last May. As I have blogged in the past, in the middle of studying, papers, quizzes and tests for Biblical Counseling I had my first miscarriage. Several months later, I walked the same road again. The chances of two in a row? Thirty percent. Twenty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. But, the chance of one woman have two in a row is thirty percent. Then, the Lord graced us with another, right around Christmas. I passed the "week" that I had lost the first two, so thought this was it, for sure. Besides, the chances of one woman having three miscarriages in a row is LESS than ONE percent. One. One percent chance of rain? Let's go to the beach, we're good. Serious, it doesn't happen. Yet, it did. This was our David, who I have also blogged about. Now, at this point, I am quite certain some reading might think that I should just cut my losses and run, another biological child was just not for us. I've had to deal with those responses. Not helpful at all in the grieving, praying, understanding process. Our losses did not stop there. One more hope, one more loss.
Apparently, at this point my doctor decided there is something wrong with me. I am shocked by that information... What is truly shocking to me is the amount of women who hurt silently, and the seeming absence of programs (within the Church) set up to help them. I've been working on listening through lectures on Biblical counseling (through NANC), and one of the the lectures was on this subject. The doctor presenting the information said there is a massive need within the church for women to be reached, counseled, and loved through this painful process. I tend to agree with his evaluation. I understand I fall into a group that is set apart as I have a houseful of children, and can "take comfort in them", so my loss may not seem as valid. (Heard this, too.)
So, what now? A little information to share. If you are uncertain, life begins at the very moment of conception. This is a scientific fact, not a hopeful opinion. So if you feel you have no "right" to grieve what was so small, you do, and it is okay. It hurts, so grieve. Second, the Lord is mighty to save, He loves you, and He cares about each Sparrow that falls. If he cares about a tiny little over-populated bird, He cares about the precious life that He now holds in heaven. That is a promise you can take to the bank. Third, grief is a peculiar thing. You don't just come to a point, and then you've "grieved." You'll feel less pain, and then something will happen, and you will lose your breath in utter pain. That is also okay. As long as you do not allow the grief to take over, as long as you do not wallow in despair, grieve. For the most part, I'm good. Occasionally, I'll see a baby, some baby clothes, or receive a formula sample in the mail, and there may or may not be some tears... It is then my response that the Lord is watching. Do I cry out that my life is not fair, or do I bend my knee and heart, letting the Lord know His plan is good, even though it hurts?
In closing, Lamentations 3:22-23 is awesome. For the steadfast love of the Lord endures forever, His mercies never cease; they are new EVERY morning; great is YOUR faithfulness! Verse 24 certainly applies, and personalize it for yourself. Let the Lord be my portion (says my soul), therefore, I WILL hope in Him.
And, my dear sister, you are prayed for and loved.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
This is NOT the Gospel
Especially this week, I've been taking extra time reading some blogs. To be frank, I've had a hard time handling the intensity of this week, and I was trying to keep my brain busy. Honestly, I should have done the laundry and worked on the memory verses I will be held accountable to on Sunday. Today, I read a post by someone who had a good idea with seemingly really good intent. Almost 250 people had posted comments, mainly positive, about her article. The comments were ultimately passionate, and practically dared others to argue with their Godly stance on life and parenting. There was a part of me that wanted to put my own comments and opinions, and thankfully I took a breath before continuing.
*My opinion is NOT the Gospel.*
This seems pretty obvious, but it appears that most of us (myself included) forget this truth at times. We take our opinions, standards, and convictions and place them as high as the Bible. There is a reason that Paul has several verses on this. We take the convictions we have, and find Biblical basis to start judging others who don't hold our same viewpoint. The internet has made it even easier to do. We can sit and read others' opinions, get all "fired up" and jump on the bandwagon, failing to realize how quickly we become a mob ready to break down the walls of anyone who might see a different side. If you want to test my theory, start a conversation about homeschooling/schooling/public schooling. Five people=five (different) opinions.
Now, I do believe that there are multitudes of good things through other blogs, etc... I have gleaned new perspectives, gotten ideas, and been challenged to grow in my walk with the Lord. There is the need, though, to remember we are only responsible for ourselves before the Lord. You won't agree with everything I do, and I won't agree with everything you might do. If I'm in sin, call me out. If you are worried about a path I'm taking, talk to or even confront me. We all have strong opinions and convictions. These change. The Gospel does not, and that is our guide.
*My opinion is NOT the Gospel.*
This seems pretty obvious, but it appears that most of us (myself included) forget this truth at times. We take our opinions, standards, and convictions and place them as high as the Bible. There is a reason that Paul has several verses on this. We take the convictions we have, and find Biblical basis to start judging others who don't hold our same viewpoint. The internet has made it even easier to do. We can sit and read others' opinions, get all "fired up" and jump on the bandwagon, failing to realize how quickly we become a mob ready to break down the walls of anyone who might see a different side. If you want to test my theory, start a conversation about homeschooling/schooling/public schooling. Five people=five (different) opinions.
Now, I do believe that there are multitudes of good things through other blogs, etc... I have gleaned new perspectives, gotten ideas, and been challenged to grow in my walk with the Lord. There is the need, though, to remember we are only responsible for ourselves before the Lord. You won't agree with everything I do, and I won't agree with everything you might do. If I'm in sin, call me out. If you are worried about a path I'm taking, talk to or even confront me. We all have strong opinions and convictions. These change. The Gospel does not, and that is our guide.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
James Chapter One, Trials Can Be Fun
The title of this post comes from a professor that taught/teaches at Word of Life, to help his students remember the overall themes of each chapter of James. Say it out loud, it rhymes, and there are four more! The reason I bring this up, is that this has seemed to be the theme of our lives for the past year. This week, I listened to Revive Our Hearts, and the topic was one that was of utter horror to me. At the end of Monday's session, the host lady came on and described the sovereignty of God in "difficult circumstances." These circumstances were the upcoming stillbirth of a guests' baby. As I swept my kitchen, anger swelled inside of me in a fast and furious way. "Difficult circumstances?!?" There are many more adjectives that would, in my opinion, better describe the knowledge that your precious child has died just days before her due date. I was mad at the announcer and realized quickly, I was not-so-thrilled with our sovereign Father.
Oh! Who does she think she is? How can you be mad at the King of the Universe? Ummm....I'm a sinner. I know to the church-smiling world (no matter how ugly things are), my confession might bring raised eyebrows (at best). As I caught myself in my anger, I was not proud of myself either. After an entire year of trials, my first reaction was anger. Disappointing to say the least. The announcer and Nancy DeMoss were so quick to point out how much we can learn during the trials of life, and how love in the Lord can blossom. True? Yes. Painful? Ugh. And it hurts SO badly! As they talked, I realized how easy it is to turn a cold heart to others' pain. After all, in a few months, they will look back and see the Hand of God in their lives and rejoice in Him.
I know I sound cynical, and I really do not mean to be, but all of this went through my head within a few moments of time. This past year has been one that I really do not want to repeat again. We have gone through the heights of the depths. Losses of babies, a painful diagnosis for our son, constant transitions, and extreme lows in our marriage. All for what? My good and His Glory. It seems mean to have it be that simple. But it is. God does work all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28-29). By God's grace, He does not want me to be who I was yesterday, but wants me to be more like Him today, tomorrow, and each day until I meet Him face-to-face and am finally shed of this broken, sinful vessel. Throughout this year, He has shown me over and over again that I am not who I once was, but I am not yet who I need to be. Paul's statement of how sinful he was (I Tim. 1:15) makes so much more sense to me now, and frankly, I do not like the knowledge. It means there is more pain ahead if I am to grow in my relationship with Christ. Please, give me more? Every ounce of my human-ness screams "NO!!!!". I would love to think I've grown so much, God will only need some slight things to grow me. Yeah, in my prideful dreams! Maybe the pain of physical loss won't be as intense, but there will be pain. I am not looking forward to the pain in the least. What I am looking forward to is how God will be drawing me ever closer to Him, and will display Himself in love as He graciously shapes me into His image.
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James 1:2-5, 12=Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. (v.12)Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Oh! Who does she think she is? How can you be mad at the King of the Universe? Ummm....I'm a sinner. I know to the church-smiling world (no matter how ugly things are), my confession might bring raised eyebrows (at best). As I caught myself in my anger, I was not proud of myself either. After an entire year of trials, my first reaction was anger. Disappointing to say the least. The announcer and Nancy DeMoss were so quick to point out how much we can learn during the trials of life, and how love in the Lord can blossom. True? Yes. Painful? Ugh. And it hurts SO badly! As they talked, I realized how easy it is to turn a cold heart to others' pain. After all, in a few months, they will look back and see the Hand of God in their lives and rejoice in Him.
I know I sound cynical, and I really do not mean to be, but all of this went through my head within a few moments of time. This past year has been one that I really do not want to repeat again. We have gone through the heights of the depths. Losses of babies, a painful diagnosis for our son, constant transitions, and extreme lows in our marriage. All for what? My good and His Glory. It seems mean to have it be that simple. But it is. God does work all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28-29). By God's grace, He does not want me to be who I was yesterday, but wants me to be more like Him today, tomorrow, and each day until I meet Him face-to-face and am finally shed of this broken, sinful vessel. Throughout this year, He has shown me over and over again that I am not who I once was, but I am not yet who I need to be. Paul's statement of how sinful he was (I Tim. 1:15) makes so much more sense to me now, and frankly, I do not like the knowledge. It means there is more pain ahead if I am to grow in my relationship with Christ. Please, give me more? Every ounce of my human-ness screams "NO!!!!". I would love to think I've grown so much, God will only need some slight things to grow me. Yeah, in my prideful dreams! Maybe the pain of physical loss won't be as intense, but there will be pain. I am not looking forward to the pain in the least. What I am looking forward to is how God will be drawing me ever closer to Him, and will display Himself in love as He graciously shapes me into His image.
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James 1:2-5, 12=Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. (v.12)Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Anyone Got a Flashlight?
Based on a few events during the last several weeks, I knew I was standing on the edge of the Psalm 23 Valley of the Shadow of Death. So, tongue-in-cheek, I was looking for a flashlight, spot light, or even better, one of those "super-lights to attract people to a big shindig" type of lights. I mean, you want to avoid a shadow, stand by one of those, right? But, no. Nothing can scare away a shadow that the Lord intends you to walk into. Honestly, though, I wanted to avoid that Valley like you wouldn't believe.
If you read my last post, you'll know that between May and Thanksgiving Day, we lost two babies. I had one visit to a doctor that indicated a possibility that I may have been kicked off of the "mommy train," if you know what I mean. So, Richard and I spent some serious time in prayer asking the Lord to bless us with one more. And He did. Richard has this amazing, "we prayed for it, God's gonna bless it" type of attitude at times, and was positive we would have some + signs on those special tests. ;) As I said, we did. I didn't even call the doctor until I had 4 (yes, 4!) from different days, different brands, etc...Well, due to the fact that I now had a history, I was called in to do blood work. It came back positive for Baby, negative for hormone numbers. And to make a tedious story a bit shorter, those numbers just never rose the way they should have. (600, should be 10,000 type of bad...) Moving on, a week ago, we got called in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. Baby was there, but way too small. In the words of the doctor, "cross your fingers and come back next week".
As the week went on, I begged the Lord for our little one, and also begged Him to protect my scarred and weak heart from turning away from Him if He would allow more pain. I also asked Him that if He allowed us to lose the Baby, to not have to go in to our next ultrasound believing there would be a heartbeat. 1 Corinthians 10:13 is not a lie. He knew what I could and could not handle. He knew I needed to walk another path of loss, but could not handle facing the loss at an ultrasound. I had no doubts as we walked in today that our Baby was gone, and probably teasing my precious Grandma with holy shenanigans.
Today, a dear friend made me face our loss by asking what we decided to name our little one. I realized I had been protecting my heart all throughout this roller coaster ride of a pregnancy. (Don't feel bad, the Lord used this to help me, and show me one more way Richard is a God-loving man!) Our little one is David Luke. My husband was a type of David during this pregnancy. He fasted in a way that was (and still is) shocking to me, deciding that David fasted and prayed for his son's life until the Lord took that baby Home. Luke is my favorite Gospel. Ironically, a doctor, and our baby went straight into the Arms of the ultimate Healer.
I never thought that a loss could bring my husband and I closer, or deepen my love and trust of him. Nor did I think I would truly realize the Love of my Savior through the death of my child. I suppose, after all, I don't really need that flashlight. Yea, Though I walk the the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil. For Thou art with me, Thy rod and staff comfort me.
If you read my last post, you'll know that between May and Thanksgiving Day, we lost two babies. I had one visit to a doctor that indicated a possibility that I may have been kicked off of the "mommy train," if you know what I mean. So, Richard and I spent some serious time in prayer asking the Lord to bless us with one more. And He did. Richard has this amazing, "we prayed for it, God's gonna bless it" type of attitude at times, and was positive we would have some + signs on those special tests. ;) As I said, we did. I didn't even call the doctor until I had 4 (yes, 4!) from different days, different brands, etc...Well, due to the fact that I now had a history, I was called in to do blood work. It came back positive for Baby, negative for hormone numbers. And to make a tedious story a bit shorter, those numbers just never rose the way they should have. (600, should be 10,000 type of bad...) Moving on, a week ago, we got called in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. Baby was there, but way too small. In the words of the doctor, "cross your fingers and come back next week".
As the week went on, I begged the Lord for our little one, and also begged Him to protect my scarred and weak heart from turning away from Him if He would allow more pain. I also asked Him that if He allowed us to lose the Baby, to not have to go in to our next ultrasound believing there would be a heartbeat. 1 Corinthians 10:13 is not a lie. He knew what I could and could not handle. He knew I needed to walk another path of loss, but could not handle facing the loss at an ultrasound. I had no doubts as we walked in today that our Baby was gone, and probably teasing my precious Grandma with holy shenanigans.
Today, a dear friend made me face our loss by asking what we decided to name our little one. I realized I had been protecting my heart all throughout this roller coaster ride of a pregnancy. (Don't feel bad, the Lord used this to help me, and show me one more way Richard is a God-loving man!) Our little one is David Luke. My husband was a type of David during this pregnancy. He fasted in a way that was (and still is) shocking to me, deciding that David fasted and prayed for his son's life until the Lord took that baby Home. Luke is my favorite Gospel. Ironically, a doctor, and our baby went straight into the Arms of the ultimate Healer.
I never thought that a loss could bring my husband and I closer, or deepen my love and trust of him. Nor did I think I would truly realize the Love of my Savior through the death of my child. I suppose, after all, I don't really need that flashlight. Yea, Though I walk the the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil. For Thou art with me, Thy rod and staff comfort me.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Desert Soul, Need Water
The title I chose is truly how the past nine months have felt to me. My soul became a desert, and each day, it broke apart more. I would beg God to let each sermon fill me and help me change, but to little avail. Finally, I had had enough.
(Rewind nine years...)
During one of our Ladies Devotions at WOL Hungary, a Guest Teacher's wife shared with us a story about a man who was broken in his relationship with the Lord. So, he went away to an isolated cabin, and in two weeks read through the entire Scripture. He would make his food, sleep, and read. This story hit me, as the Lord has blessed me with the ability to read quite quickly. So, a few weeks later, I decided to do a quick read through, but with added time, as I had responsibilities to classes and ministry. I read through the entire Word of God in just a few weeks, never "feeling" like I was learning/getting much from it. But, the day after I had finished, I went for a walk, and realized I "missed" God. It was one of those amazing moments when you realize God blessed your feeble effort to do right.
(...and now to the almost present...)
Richard and I had been seriously praying about the next steps for us to get toward ministry. After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, I enrolled in a Master's program for Biblical Counseling. With great excitement, I embarked on my first class. I have NEVER been so stressed in my entire life. This was a Master's class on steroids! I studied from the time I woke up, late into the evening, and almost had a mental breakdown by the end. I also found out we were expecting Baby 5 during the class...and then lost Baby T... Now you might say, "geez! This girl has four kids, big hairy deal." Oh, it was. During this time, I had over ten friends expecting little ones. (Serious!) Every single time I saw a picture of one of their newborns, it was like my heart was going to explode. I was happy for them, but my heart ached. As I said above, I had enough. The Lord graciously reminded me of the time I had in Hungary, and I made a serious decision. I was going to read through the Bible by Christmas. I knew I would learn little, but hoped the Lord would meet me in my desert, and begin the healing process. I ordered a new Journal-Bible, and began the day it arrived. Seven weeks later (12.12.12), I finished. And, the Lord met me right where I was, and carried me out of the ugliness. The sadness, anger, and frustration were lifted. Some time during those seven weeks, God answered my plea to save me, and did so abundantly.
I would LOVE to say that my life is a bowl of cherries now. Nope. Just last month, He ordained that we would walk through another loss of a wee one. This time, though, was so different. I was sad, of course, but I did not wallow in the self-pity that had ruled just a few short months before. One of the biggest differences has been the fact that my Quiet Time with Him is no longer an option. I am wonderfully crazy-busy with our four precious gifts, homeschooling, and all of the other things that go along with running a home. But, pushing God until "later" cannot happen. I have realized my ultimate need for Him, and He moved ever closer to me. Through the encouragement of ladies at Church, meditating and memorizing Scripture has helped to continue the healing process for this once-broken vessel.
I am not who I once was, but I am not yet what I will be! Praise be to our Loving Heavenly Father for His graciousness in each of our lives.
(Rewind nine years...)
During one of our Ladies Devotions at WOL Hungary, a Guest Teacher's wife shared with us a story about a man who was broken in his relationship with the Lord. So, he went away to an isolated cabin, and in two weeks read through the entire Scripture. He would make his food, sleep, and read. This story hit me, as the Lord has blessed me with the ability to read quite quickly. So, a few weeks later, I decided to do a quick read through, but with added time, as I had responsibilities to classes and ministry. I read through the entire Word of God in just a few weeks, never "feeling" like I was learning/getting much from it. But, the day after I had finished, I went for a walk, and realized I "missed" God. It was one of those amazing moments when you realize God blessed your feeble effort to do right.
(...and now to the almost present...)
Richard and I had been seriously praying about the next steps for us to get toward ministry. After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, I enrolled in a Master's program for Biblical Counseling. With great excitement, I embarked on my first class. I have NEVER been so stressed in my entire life. This was a Master's class on steroids! I studied from the time I woke up, late into the evening, and almost had a mental breakdown by the end. I also found out we were expecting Baby 5 during the class...and then lost Baby T... Now you might say, "geez! This girl has four kids, big hairy deal." Oh, it was. During this time, I had over ten friends expecting little ones. (Serious!) Every single time I saw a picture of one of their newborns, it was like my heart was going to explode. I was happy for them, but my heart ached. As I said above, I had enough. The Lord graciously reminded me of the time I had in Hungary, and I made a serious decision. I was going to read through the Bible by Christmas. I knew I would learn little, but hoped the Lord would meet me in my desert, and begin the healing process. I ordered a new Journal-Bible, and began the day it arrived. Seven weeks later (12.12.12), I finished. And, the Lord met me right where I was, and carried me out of the ugliness. The sadness, anger, and frustration were lifted. Some time during those seven weeks, God answered my plea to save me, and did so abundantly.
I would LOVE to say that my life is a bowl of cherries now. Nope. Just last month, He ordained that we would walk through another loss of a wee one. This time, though, was so different. I was sad, of course, but I did not wallow in the self-pity that had ruled just a few short months before. One of the biggest differences has been the fact that my Quiet Time with Him is no longer an option. I am wonderfully crazy-busy with our four precious gifts, homeschooling, and all of the other things that go along with running a home. But, pushing God until "later" cannot happen. I have realized my ultimate need for Him, and He moved ever closer to me. Through the encouragement of ladies at Church, meditating and memorizing Scripture has helped to continue the healing process for this once-broken vessel.
I am not who I once was, but I am not yet what I will be! Praise be to our Loving Heavenly Father for His graciousness in each of our lives.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
One Good Spanking with Three Wishes
I wish I could count on one hand the people who have told me that "one good spanking" would really help my son. Well meaning family, friends, and even old ladies at Sam's Club. I'm not looking for apologies or sympathies, because believe me, if one good one would really heal my son, I would give him the spanking of the century. I am not a wise woman, and definitely lack patience, but the Lord truly gave me a glimpse of His wisdom with Titus. I knew from a very early age that my boy's disruptive behavior was not sin. I'll never forget the moment I looked into his eyes, and got a glimpse into his little heart. He was stuck and hurting within himself, and could not help himself. I'm infinitely grateful I did not see into his heart after an aggressive attempt at discipline.
My second wish is to stop feeling the need to apologize or defend his behavior. ...Because in all reality, his behavior is a reflection of my parenting, right? For example, Timmy had football practice today. Titus was watching, but he hates clothes. Hates. Wearing shoes, shirts, and pants is pure punishment for him. So, during practice, he first had to take his shoes off. It was hot today, naturally the shorts came next. Richard kept trying to get him to keep his clothes on, but Titus was hot and melting down. So, I looked at Richard, making sure he knew I wasn't trying to usurp his authority, and helped Titus get his too-hot pants off. (To his credit, last week was FREEZING, so I kinda overdressed all the kids...) I saw the looks. This adorable blondie that looks much older than three-years-old in his Buzz Lightyear shirt and a diaper. Hey! He kept his shirt on! I know my husband was uncomfortable. He hasn't had the pleasure of all the "much better parents shaking their heads at this loathsome excuse for a mother" looks. For as many as I've had, you'd think I was immune, but alas, they still hurt. Today, though, Titus happily romped around in his t-shirt and diaper with his sister. His yelps of joy as they both patiently played together were delightful to my ears. My joy in seeing them enjoy each others' company shielded me from any embarrassment, and helped me hear the whisper from the Lord reminding me I have an audience of One.
My final wish would be to have four completely healthy children. Thankfully, God had much bigger plans for me. He knew He had given me the perfect design to help this incredibly special child. He knew His work would be better fulfilled in me as a mother and woman with Titus in our home. He knew I would grow more with him than without him. I do wish Titus didn't have autism and have to deal with the internal pain this disorder causes him. I wish I could say the right prayer or see the right doctor or do just the right action to cure him. But, for now, I cannot. I will pray every single day for Titus to be made whole. I will never give up attempting to get the help he needs to become the man God has called him to be. I will rejoice always, and get to relish in every step forward he takes. I will choose to see his potential, understanding he has areas of growth. Above all, I will beg the Lord for wisdom to see when his sin nature needs to be corrected, and when he just needs another big hug.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Idolatry?
Log on to Facebook or Pinterest (my two social networking addictions), and you will see TONS of posts regarding gym time, food, ways to slim this or that, calorie counting, or "motivational" quotes. In a Country that is slowly being overtaken by obesity, I do understand the growing obsession with health and wellness. Self-discipline is needed and necessary to live a full and healthy life.
Enter some more of my embarrassing life story. As I believe I have already mentioned, after becoming a diabetic, my body changed a great deal in just a few months. (Going from near-death to healthy will do that to a young girl...) From that tender age of 13, I began to loathe my body. Enter high school, and I was so busy in sports, I didn't have time to get into trouble. I lived for the competition and loved it, but still was quite unhappy with the way I looked. Now, one thing about being extraordinarily competitive, is you tend to alienate people. So, as I entered college, I wanted a clean start and did not join the sports I could have. (I was recruited to play soccer and volleyball.) I didn't want people to hate me because I was so tough on the field/courts. Well, needless to say, going from hours of exercise a day to none, I blew the "Freshman 15" out of the water. I gained so much weight, I made the normal fifteen pounds freshman gain look like child's play. Yeah, not great for the whole "bad body image" deal I already had. As I left college, I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked. So, within a summer, I got so disciplined, I never even looked at candy, let alone anything that could sway me to go back to the awful way I had just felt. Focus, focus, focus.
1 Timothy 4:7-8=7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. 8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.
Isaiah 44:9a=Those who make an image, all of them are useless, And their precious things shall not profit;
For the last few years, I have been driving my husband crazy whenever I would say anything about my appearance. He is almost never cross with me, except when I would say something negative about myself. This past December, something he said finally hit a cord with me. I don't honestly remember what he said, but I do remember as I was trying to decide on what would be my "Focus Area's" for 2012, I distinctly felt the Lord placing Idolatry on my heart. It was one of those light bulb, DUH moments. I was so focused on how I looked, and how I felt I needed to look, I had made my unwise self my own idol...for years. Talk about feeling pretty foolish! How could I become a wife and mother after God's own heart, when I was constantly and consistently focusing on me?
So, for the past few months, I have been "de-programming" myself. It has taken more self-discipline than when I was at the gym a few hours/day. As with any sin issue, I still have quite a long way to go, but I am finally dealing with it. This is not to say I have given up on exercise. I still drag myself onto our spin bike for a good amount of time, several days a week. It is not to say one should throw their health to the birds, either. But, the focus needs to be up, not in.
...and remember, God NEVER lies:
Enter some more of my embarrassing life story. As I believe I have already mentioned, after becoming a diabetic, my body changed a great deal in just a few months. (Going from near-death to healthy will do that to a young girl...) From that tender age of 13, I began to loathe my body. Enter high school, and I was so busy in sports, I didn't have time to get into trouble. I lived for the competition and loved it, but still was quite unhappy with the way I looked. Now, one thing about being extraordinarily competitive, is you tend to alienate people. So, as I entered college, I wanted a clean start and did not join the sports I could have. (I was recruited to play soccer and volleyball.) I didn't want people to hate me because I was so tough on the field/courts. Well, needless to say, going from hours of exercise a day to none, I blew the "Freshman 15" out of the water. I gained so much weight, I made the normal fifteen pounds freshman gain look like child's play. Yeah, not great for the whole "bad body image" deal I already had. As I left college, I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked. So, within a summer, I got so disciplined, I never even looked at candy, let alone anything that could sway me to go back to the awful way I had just felt. Focus, focus, focus.
1 Timothy 4:7-8=7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. 8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.
Isaiah 44:9a=Those who make an image, all of them are useless, And their precious things shall not profit;
For the last few years, I have been driving my husband crazy whenever I would say anything about my appearance. He is almost never cross with me, except when I would say something negative about myself. This past December, something he said finally hit a cord with me. I don't honestly remember what he said, but I do remember as I was trying to decide on what would be my "Focus Area's" for 2012, I distinctly felt the Lord placing Idolatry on my heart. It was one of those light bulb, DUH moments. I was so focused on how I looked, and how I felt I needed to look, I had made my unwise self my own idol...for years. Talk about feeling pretty foolish! How could I become a wife and mother after God's own heart, when I was constantly and consistently focusing on me?
So, for the past few months, I have been "de-programming" myself. It has taken more self-discipline than when I was at the gym a few hours/day. As with any sin issue, I still have quite a long way to go, but I am finally dealing with it. This is not to say I have given up on exercise. I still drag myself onto our spin bike for a good amount of time, several days a week. It is not to say one should throw their health to the birds, either. But, the focus needs to be up, not in.
...and remember, God NEVER lies:
Psalm 139:13-14=For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
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