Based on a few events during the last several weeks, I knew I was standing on the edge of the Psalm 23 Valley of the Shadow of Death. So, tongue-in-cheek, I was looking for a flashlight, spot light, or even better, one of those "super-lights to attract people to a big shindig" type of lights. I mean, you want to avoid a shadow, stand by one of those, right? But, no. Nothing can scare away a shadow that the Lord intends you to walk into. Honestly, though, I wanted to avoid that Valley like you wouldn't believe.
If you read my last post, you'll know that between May and Thanksgiving Day, we lost two babies. I had one visit to a doctor that indicated a possibility that I may have been kicked off of the "mommy train," if you know what I mean. So, Richard and I spent some serious time in prayer asking the Lord to bless us with one more. And He did. Richard has this amazing, "we prayed for it, God's gonna bless it" type of attitude at times, and was positive we would have some + signs on those special tests. ;) As I said, we did. I didn't even call the doctor until I had 4 (yes, 4!) from different days, different brands, etc...Well, due to the fact that I now had a history, I was called in to do blood work. It came back positive for Baby, negative for hormone numbers. And to make a tedious story a bit shorter, those numbers just never rose the way they should have. (600, should be 10,000 type of bad...) Moving on, a week ago, we got called in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. Baby was there, but way too small. In the words of the doctor, "cross your fingers and come back next week".
As the week went on, I begged the Lord for our little one, and also begged Him to protect my scarred and weak heart from turning away from Him if He would allow more pain. I also asked Him that if He allowed us to lose the Baby, to not have to go in to our next ultrasound believing there would be a heartbeat. 1 Corinthians 10:13 is not a lie. He knew what I could and could not handle. He knew I needed to walk another path of loss, but could not handle facing the loss at an ultrasound. I had no doubts as we walked in today that our Baby was gone, and probably teasing my precious Grandma with holy shenanigans.
Today, a dear friend made me face our loss by asking what we decided to name our little one. I realized I had been protecting my heart all throughout this roller coaster ride of a pregnancy. (Don't feel bad, the Lord used this to help me, and show me one more way Richard is a God-loving man!) Our little one is David Luke. My husband was a type of David during this pregnancy. He fasted in a way that was (and still is) shocking to me, deciding that David fasted and prayed for his son's life until the Lord took that baby Home. Luke is my favorite Gospel. Ironically, a doctor, and our baby went straight into the Arms of the ultimate Healer.
I never thought that a loss could bring my husband and I closer, or deepen my love and trust of him. Nor did I think I would truly realize the Love of my Savior through the death of my child. I suppose, after all, I don't really need that flashlight. Yea, Though I walk the the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil. For Thou art with me, Thy rod and staff comfort me.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Desert Soul, Need Water
The title I chose is truly how the past nine months have felt to me. My soul became a desert, and each day, it broke apart more. I would beg God to let each sermon fill me and help me change, but to little avail. Finally, I had had enough.
(Rewind nine years...)
During one of our Ladies Devotions at WOL Hungary, a Guest Teacher's wife shared with us a story about a man who was broken in his relationship with the Lord. So, he went away to an isolated cabin, and in two weeks read through the entire Scripture. He would make his food, sleep, and read. This story hit me, as the Lord has blessed me with the ability to read quite quickly. So, a few weeks later, I decided to do a quick read through, but with added time, as I had responsibilities to classes and ministry. I read through the entire Word of God in just a few weeks, never "feeling" like I was learning/getting much from it. But, the day after I had finished, I went for a walk, and realized I "missed" God. It was one of those amazing moments when you realize God blessed your feeble effort to do right.
(...and now to the almost present...)
Richard and I had been seriously praying about the next steps for us to get toward ministry. After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, I enrolled in a Master's program for Biblical Counseling. With great excitement, I embarked on my first class. I have NEVER been so stressed in my entire life. This was a Master's class on steroids! I studied from the time I woke up, late into the evening, and almost had a mental breakdown by the end. I also found out we were expecting Baby 5 during the class...and then lost Baby T... Now you might say, "geez! This girl has four kids, big hairy deal." Oh, it was. During this time, I had over ten friends expecting little ones. (Serious!) Every single time I saw a picture of one of their newborns, it was like my heart was going to explode. I was happy for them, but my heart ached. As I said above, I had enough. The Lord graciously reminded me of the time I had in Hungary, and I made a serious decision. I was going to read through the Bible by Christmas. I knew I would learn little, but hoped the Lord would meet me in my desert, and begin the healing process. I ordered a new Journal-Bible, and began the day it arrived. Seven weeks later (12.12.12), I finished. And, the Lord met me right where I was, and carried me out of the ugliness. The sadness, anger, and frustration were lifted. Some time during those seven weeks, God answered my plea to save me, and did so abundantly.
I would LOVE to say that my life is a bowl of cherries now. Nope. Just last month, He ordained that we would walk through another loss of a wee one. This time, though, was so different. I was sad, of course, but I did not wallow in the self-pity that had ruled just a few short months before. One of the biggest differences has been the fact that my Quiet Time with Him is no longer an option. I am wonderfully crazy-busy with our four precious gifts, homeschooling, and all of the other things that go along with running a home. But, pushing God until "later" cannot happen. I have realized my ultimate need for Him, and He moved ever closer to me. Through the encouragement of ladies at Church, meditating and memorizing Scripture has helped to continue the healing process for this once-broken vessel.
I am not who I once was, but I am not yet what I will be! Praise be to our Loving Heavenly Father for His graciousness in each of our lives.
(Rewind nine years...)
During one of our Ladies Devotions at WOL Hungary, a Guest Teacher's wife shared with us a story about a man who was broken in his relationship with the Lord. So, he went away to an isolated cabin, and in two weeks read through the entire Scripture. He would make his food, sleep, and read. This story hit me, as the Lord has blessed me with the ability to read quite quickly. So, a few weeks later, I decided to do a quick read through, but with added time, as I had responsibilities to classes and ministry. I read through the entire Word of God in just a few weeks, never "feeling" like I was learning/getting much from it. But, the day after I had finished, I went for a walk, and realized I "missed" God. It was one of those amazing moments when you realize God blessed your feeble effort to do right.
(...and now to the almost present...)
Richard and I had been seriously praying about the next steps for us to get toward ministry. After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, I enrolled in a Master's program for Biblical Counseling. With great excitement, I embarked on my first class. I have NEVER been so stressed in my entire life. This was a Master's class on steroids! I studied from the time I woke up, late into the evening, and almost had a mental breakdown by the end. I also found out we were expecting Baby 5 during the class...and then lost Baby T... Now you might say, "geez! This girl has four kids, big hairy deal." Oh, it was. During this time, I had over ten friends expecting little ones. (Serious!) Every single time I saw a picture of one of their newborns, it was like my heart was going to explode. I was happy for them, but my heart ached. As I said above, I had enough. The Lord graciously reminded me of the time I had in Hungary, and I made a serious decision. I was going to read through the Bible by Christmas. I knew I would learn little, but hoped the Lord would meet me in my desert, and begin the healing process. I ordered a new Journal-Bible, and began the day it arrived. Seven weeks later (12.12.12), I finished. And, the Lord met me right where I was, and carried me out of the ugliness. The sadness, anger, and frustration were lifted. Some time during those seven weeks, God answered my plea to save me, and did so abundantly.
I would LOVE to say that my life is a bowl of cherries now. Nope. Just last month, He ordained that we would walk through another loss of a wee one. This time, though, was so different. I was sad, of course, but I did not wallow in the self-pity that had ruled just a few short months before. One of the biggest differences has been the fact that my Quiet Time with Him is no longer an option. I am wonderfully crazy-busy with our four precious gifts, homeschooling, and all of the other things that go along with running a home. But, pushing God until "later" cannot happen. I have realized my ultimate need for Him, and He moved ever closer to me. Through the encouragement of ladies at Church, meditating and memorizing Scripture has helped to continue the healing process for this once-broken vessel.
I am not who I once was, but I am not yet what I will be! Praise be to our Loving Heavenly Father for His graciousness in each of our lives.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
One Good Spanking with Three Wishes
I wish I could count on one hand the people who have told me that "one good spanking" would really help my son. Well meaning family, friends, and even old ladies at Sam's Club. I'm not looking for apologies or sympathies, because believe me, if one good one would really heal my son, I would give him the spanking of the century. I am not a wise woman, and definitely lack patience, but the Lord truly gave me a glimpse of His wisdom with Titus. I knew from a very early age that my boy's disruptive behavior was not sin. I'll never forget the moment I looked into his eyes, and got a glimpse into his little heart. He was stuck and hurting within himself, and could not help himself. I'm infinitely grateful I did not see into his heart after an aggressive attempt at discipline.
My second wish is to stop feeling the need to apologize or defend his behavior. ...Because in all reality, his behavior is a reflection of my parenting, right? For example, Timmy had football practice today. Titus was watching, but he hates clothes. Hates. Wearing shoes, shirts, and pants is pure punishment for him. So, during practice, he first had to take his shoes off. It was hot today, naturally the shorts came next. Richard kept trying to get him to keep his clothes on, but Titus was hot and melting down. So, I looked at Richard, making sure he knew I wasn't trying to usurp his authority, and helped Titus get his too-hot pants off. (To his credit, last week was FREEZING, so I kinda overdressed all the kids...) I saw the looks. This adorable blondie that looks much older than three-years-old in his Buzz Lightyear shirt and a diaper. Hey! He kept his shirt on! I know my husband was uncomfortable. He hasn't had the pleasure of all the "much better parents shaking their heads at this loathsome excuse for a mother" looks. For as many as I've had, you'd think I was immune, but alas, they still hurt. Today, though, Titus happily romped around in his t-shirt and diaper with his sister. His yelps of joy as they both patiently played together were delightful to my ears. My joy in seeing them enjoy each others' company shielded me from any embarrassment, and helped me hear the whisper from the Lord reminding me I have an audience of One.
My final wish would be to have four completely healthy children. Thankfully, God had much bigger plans for me. He knew He had given me the perfect design to help this incredibly special child. He knew His work would be better fulfilled in me as a mother and woman with Titus in our home. He knew I would grow more with him than without him. I do wish Titus didn't have autism and have to deal with the internal pain this disorder causes him. I wish I could say the right prayer or see the right doctor or do just the right action to cure him. But, for now, I cannot. I will pray every single day for Titus to be made whole. I will never give up attempting to get the help he needs to become the man God has called him to be. I will rejoice always, and get to relish in every step forward he takes. I will choose to see his potential, understanding he has areas of growth. Above all, I will beg the Lord for wisdom to see when his sin nature needs to be corrected, and when he just needs another big hug.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Idolatry?
Log on to Facebook or Pinterest (my two social networking addictions), and you will see TONS of posts regarding gym time, food, ways to slim this or that, calorie counting, or "motivational" quotes. In a Country that is slowly being overtaken by obesity, I do understand the growing obsession with health and wellness. Self-discipline is needed and necessary to live a full and healthy life.
Enter some more of my embarrassing life story. As I believe I have already mentioned, after becoming a diabetic, my body changed a great deal in just a few months. (Going from near-death to healthy will do that to a young girl...) From that tender age of 13, I began to loathe my body. Enter high school, and I was so busy in sports, I didn't have time to get into trouble. I lived for the competition and loved it, but still was quite unhappy with the way I looked. Now, one thing about being extraordinarily competitive, is you tend to alienate people. So, as I entered college, I wanted a clean start and did not join the sports I could have. (I was recruited to play soccer and volleyball.) I didn't want people to hate me because I was so tough on the field/courts. Well, needless to say, going from hours of exercise a day to none, I blew the "Freshman 15" out of the water. I gained so much weight, I made the normal fifteen pounds freshman gain look like child's play. Yeah, not great for the whole "bad body image" deal I already had. As I left college, I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked. So, within a summer, I got so disciplined, I never even looked at candy, let alone anything that could sway me to go back to the awful way I had just felt. Focus, focus, focus.
1 Timothy 4:7-8=7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. 8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.
Isaiah 44:9a=Those who make an image, all of them are useless, And their precious things shall not profit;
For the last few years, I have been driving my husband crazy whenever I would say anything about my appearance. He is almost never cross with me, except when I would say something negative about myself. This past December, something he said finally hit a cord with me. I don't honestly remember what he said, but I do remember as I was trying to decide on what would be my "Focus Area's" for 2012, I distinctly felt the Lord placing Idolatry on my heart. It was one of those light bulb, DUH moments. I was so focused on how I looked, and how I felt I needed to look, I had made my unwise self my own idol...for years. Talk about feeling pretty foolish! How could I become a wife and mother after God's own heart, when I was constantly and consistently focusing on me?
So, for the past few months, I have been "de-programming" myself. It has taken more self-discipline than when I was at the gym a few hours/day. As with any sin issue, I still have quite a long way to go, but I am finally dealing with it. This is not to say I have given up on exercise. I still drag myself onto our spin bike for a good amount of time, several days a week. It is not to say one should throw their health to the birds, either. But, the focus needs to be up, not in.
...and remember, God NEVER lies:
Enter some more of my embarrassing life story. As I believe I have already mentioned, after becoming a diabetic, my body changed a great deal in just a few months. (Going from near-death to healthy will do that to a young girl...) From that tender age of 13, I began to loathe my body. Enter high school, and I was so busy in sports, I didn't have time to get into trouble. I lived for the competition and loved it, but still was quite unhappy with the way I looked. Now, one thing about being extraordinarily competitive, is you tend to alienate people. So, as I entered college, I wanted a clean start and did not join the sports I could have. (I was recruited to play soccer and volleyball.) I didn't want people to hate me because I was so tough on the field/courts. Well, needless to say, going from hours of exercise a day to none, I blew the "Freshman 15" out of the water. I gained so much weight, I made the normal fifteen pounds freshman gain look like child's play. Yeah, not great for the whole "bad body image" deal I already had. As I left college, I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked. So, within a summer, I got so disciplined, I never even looked at candy, let alone anything that could sway me to go back to the awful way I had just felt. Focus, focus, focus.
1 Timothy 4:7-8=7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. 8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.
Isaiah 44:9a=Those who make an image, all of them are useless, And their precious things shall not profit;
For the last few years, I have been driving my husband crazy whenever I would say anything about my appearance. He is almost never cross with me, except when I would say something negative about myself. This past December, something he said finally hit a cord with me. I don't honestly remember what he said, but I do remember as I was trying to decide on what would be my "Focus Area's" for 2012, I distinctly felt the Lord placing Idolatry on my heart. It was one of those light bulb, DUH moments. I was so focused on how I looked, and how I felt I needed to look, I had made my unwise self my own idol...for years. Talk about feeling pretty foolish! How could I become a wife and mother after God's own heart, when I was constantly and consistently focusing on me?
So, for the past few months, I have been "de-programming" myself. It has taken more self-discipline than when I was at the gym a few hours/day. As with any sin issue, I still have quite a long way to go, but I am finally dealing with it. This is not to say I have given up on exercise. I still drag myself onto our spin bike for a good amount of time, several days a week. It is not to say one should throw their health to the birds, either. But, the focus needs to be up, not in.
...and remember, God NEVER lies:
Psalm 139:13-14=For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Learning Curve
As a recovering professional teacher (ask my poor AWANA Olympic kids who step slightly out of line!), I have been faced with many different types of learners, and learning disabilities. I was quite certain I had the capability to handle any type of struggle that would be thrown my way...until the disability came to our home. The journey that the Lord has taken us on, really beginning two years ago, has taken me to the deepest valleys as well as shown me that the "mountain tops" are a little bit different than I thought.
Around the time our third child turned one, I knew things were not developing in him the way they had for our older two. I was aware, but not yet concerned, after all, all children develop differently. But, as time went on, I knew my son was becoming less and less of the little man I knew was in there. I watched his development stop/change/deteriorate before my eyes, and I did NOT know how to help him. My precious son was hurting, and I stood by helpless and clueless. Even as I type this, I cannot help but shed a few tears. When your child hurts, your heart breaks...over and over.
The breaking point came (for me) sometime in September. I was at a store, trying to get needed groceries, and he had a "meltdown." Screaming, crying, and in today's vernacular, "Freaking O.U.T.!" This is NOT a temper tantrum, they are much different, and cannot be soothed by anything. As people stopped to watch the spectacle, (I am NOT kidding!), I held one screaming child in one arm, a car seat in the other, begged the other two to follow, and barely made it out the door, with sweat streaming down my face. Attractive, I know. I made it to the truck, no milk, no groceries, and no strength left. To make matters worse, I had my own breakdown. I got the kids in the car, blinded by tears, and cried the entire way home. I almost had to pull over as I just cried. How did it get this hard? Why could I not help my own son?
My poor husband got a few voice mails from me, none of which he could even understand. I was that heartbroken, and that devastated by the state of my son. I couldn't even buy milk! How could I be a mother?!? Like I said, this was the bottom for me. Through a series of miraculous events, we found out that our son was extremely iron deficient, causing him high levels of "anxiety", as his body was breaking down. (Anxiety is the best way to describe how his little body was feeling.) This iron deficiency caused some serious developmental issues, some of which include sensory and verbal delays. When I say, "miraculous", I mean miraculous, too. If he had been "stuck" in the caustic body much longer, he would have been permanently delayed in his development, with no hope of fixing it. In the wise words of one of our Pastors,
"God is rarely early, but He is NEVER late."
Now, our son is in multiple therapies, and we have changed the way we eat-it must have, "Gluten-Free in it", in the words of our older two! He will most-likely be in a "therapy school" starting in Fall, where he will get multiple therapist teachers four mornings/week. For now, it will be time to learn if any of his delays are actually permanent issues.
This is where my lessons have come in. As a lot of "Type A" personalities, "patience" is not exactly my strong suit. I'm a get-it-done kinda girl. Yesterday would be preferable. But, I do not have that option with my son. I have learned how to hold him, touch him, and love him differently to help calm his frazzled body. I have also learned that when I think I've reached my end, I actually have a lot more patience to draw from. So, when my older two "get on my nerves", I've had to realize my nerves can handle so much more, without losing control. As any mother knows who desperately wants to be godly, I have had to run to the Lord over and over again. Not just during my Quiet Time, but multiple times during the day, sometimes multiple times an hour.
Climbing out of this valley has been a long process, but one I'm so grateful to have been walking. As my husband said to me the other day, our son has changed me more than I could ever change him. The Lord used this special and precious boy to help me become more of the mother the Lord wants me to be-for ALL of our children. I am SO far away from what He wants for me, but I'm working on it. And that is my learning curve.
Around the time our third child turned one, I knew things were not developing in him the way they had for our older two. I was aware, but not yet concerned, after all, all children develop differently. But, as time went on, I knew my son was becoming less and less of the little man I knew was in there. I watched his development stop/change/deteriorate before my eyes, and I did NOT know how to help him. My precious son was hurting, and I stood by helpless and clueless. Even as I type this, I cannot help but shed a few tears. When your child hurts, your heart breaks...over and over.
The breaking point came (for me) sometime in September. I was at a store, trying to get needed groceries, and he had a "meltdown." Screaming, crying, and in today's vernacular, "Freaking O.U.T.!" This is NOT a temper tantrum, they are much different, and cannot be soothed by anything. As people stopped to watch the spectacle, (I am NOT kidding!), I held one screaming child in one arm, a car seat in the other, begged the other two to follow, and barely made it out the door, with sweat streaming down my face. Attractive, I know. I made it to the truck, no milk, no groceries, and no strength left. To make matters worse, I had my own breakdown. I got the kids in the car, blinded by tears, and cried the entire way home. I almost had to pull over as I just cried. How did it get this hard? Why could I not help my own son?
My poor husband got a few voice mails from me, none of which he could even understand. I was that heartbroken, and that devastated by the state of my son. I couldn't even buy milk! How could I be a mother?!? Like I said, this was the bottom for me. Through a series of miraculous events, we found out that our son was extremely iron deficient, causing him high levels of "anxiety", as his body was breaking down. (Anxiety is the best way to describe how his little body was feeling.) This iron deficiency caused some serious developmental issues, some of which include sensory and verbal delays. When I say, "miraculous", I mean miraculous, too. If he had been "stuck" in the caustic body much longer, he would have been permanently delayed in his development, with no hope of fixing it. In the wise words of one of our Pastors,
"God is rarely early, but He is NEVER late."
Now, our son is in multiple therapies, and we have changed the way we eat-it must have, "Gluten-Free in it", in the words of our older two! He will most-likely be in a "therapy school" starting in Fall, where he will get multiple therapist teachers four mornings/week. For now, it will be time to learn if any of his delays are actually permanent issues.
This is where my lessons have come in. As a lot of "Type A" personalities, "patience" is not exactly my strong suit. I'm a get-it-done kinda girl. Yesterday would be preferable. But, I do not have that option with my son. I have learned how to hold him, touch him, and love him differently to help calm his frazzled body. I have also learned that when I think I've reached my end, I actually have a lot more patience to draw from. So, when my older two "get on my nerves", I've had to realize my nerves can handle so much more, without losing control. As any mother knows who desperately wants to be godly, I have had to run to the Lord over and over again. Not just during my Quiet Time, but multiple times during the day, sometimes multiple times an hour.
Climbing out of this valley has been a long process, but one I'm so grateful to have been walking. As my husband said to me the other day, our son has changed me more than I could ever change him. The Lord used this special and precious boy to help me become more of the mother the Lord wants me to be-for ALL of our children. I am SO far away from what He wants for me, but I'm working on it. And that is my learning curve.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Apparently, "Marriage"
I cannot even remember how many times I have tried to write this entry. It has been over 1,000 days in the making, over four years of prayers, frustrations, disappointments, confusion, and even anger.
In this entirely horrific economy, Richard was able to find a new job, in an entirely new career. He has sacrificed so much to be an amazing husband and father. He used to think that if he wasn't in management, he might not be "worth as much." It's amazing what four years of three-four hours a sleep a day will do to pride. God brought us both to a place where we didn't care what the job change was, as long as it was a change. Our family has suffered silently, because talking about our struggles usually came with the reaction that it "couldn't be that bad" or that we were complaining. When your best friend tells you he fell asleep on the drive to work and hit a construction barrel, yes, it's been that bad. When your best friend makes sure to get a life-insurance policy because he knows his body cannot take much more of the abuse, yes, it's been that bad. When your best friend finally gets home from work, and cannot wait to see his children, but falls asleep as soon as he puts his car into park, yes, it's been that bad. This list could go on and on.
And now the change. Let me tell you, though, before an actual job change, came a lot of heart change and perspective change. God had to get us both to the point of complete and total relying on Him. God had to give us opportunities to learn about His Grace, His Provision, and how trustworthy our God is. God has also given us a great deal of lessons in truly making a marriage work when you literally see each other an average of an hour/day. It has NOT been easy. It has taken more patience, love, dedication, and devotion than I ever thought possible to even have. It has also given submission an entirely new meaning for me. If he calls and says he has thirty minutes for a lunch, you pack up four kids, make him a sandwich, and load up the truck to get there. Why? Because your vows are a lot more than pretty language. And, with a divorce rate of over fifty percent, you do every single thing in your power to let him know you are THERE. I may have "won" his heart eight years ago, but you can be quite certain that there are plenty of other girls who are ready to woo him. Now, I think my husband is quite good-looking, but looks don't seem to matter to some girls. A guy makes them laugh, and that's good enough. Or a guy is considerate, and that usually does it. Well, my husband is both, (plus the good looks!), so you can be sure that I have seen more than one eye watching out for him to not be so happy with his wife. Through all of this, God has given me SUCH a passion to work with young wives. Yes, I know, I could technically still be labeled as a young(er) wife. We will only just be hitting our six year anniversary next month. But, I also know that God brought us to and through the last few years. I also am quite aware that the next year is going to take a lot of trust in God and in each other to get us through. I would hope that the experiences we've been though have been to ready us for the ministry God has for us.
As the title suggests, I was not at all going to be going into the topic of "marriage". But, it's a start for today.
In this entirely horrific economy, Richard was able to find a new job, in an entirely new career. He has sacrificed so much to be an amazing husband and father. He used to think that if he wasn't in management, he might not be "worth as much." It's amazing what four years of three-four hours a sleep a day will do to pride. God brought us both to a place where we didn't care what the job change was, as long as it was a change. Our family has suffered silently, because talking about our struggles usually came with the reaction that it "couldn't be that bad" or that we were complaining. When your best friend tells you he fell asleep on the drive to work and hit a construction barrel, yes, it's been that bad. When your best friend makes sure to get a life-insurance policy because he knows his body cannot take much more of the abuse, yes, it's been that bad. When your best friend finally gets home from work, and cannot wait to see his children, but falls asleep as soon as he puts his car into park, yes, it's been that bad. This list could go on and on.
And now the change. Let me tell you, though, before an actual job change, came a lot of heart change and perspective change. God had to get us both to the point of complete and total relying on Him. God had to give us opportunities to learn about His Grace, His Provision, and how trustworthy our God is. God has also given us a great deal of lessons in truly making a marriage work when you literally see each other an average of an hour/day. It has NOT been easy. It has taken more patience, love, dedication, and devotion than I ever thought possible to even have. It has also given submission an entirely new meaning for me. If he calls and says he has thirty minutes for a lunch, you pack up four kids, make him a sandwich, and load up the truck to get there. Why? Because your vows are a lot more than pretty language. And, with a divorce rate of over fifty percent, you do every single thing in your power to let him know you are THERE. I may have "won" his heart eight years ago, but you can be quite certain that there are plenty of other girls who are ready to woo him. Now, I think my husband is quite good-looking, but looks don't seem to matter to some girls. A guy makes them laugh, and that's good enough. Or a guy is considerate, and that usually does it. Well, my husband is both, (plus the good looks!), so you can be sure that I have seen more than one eye watching out for him to not be so happy with his wife. Through all of this, God has given me SUCH a passion to work with young wives. Yes, I know, I could technically still be labeled as a young(er) wife. We will only just be hitting our six year anniversary next month. But, I also know that God brought us to and through the last few years. I also am quite aware that the next year is going to take a lot of trust in God and in each other to get us through. I would hope that the experiences we've been though have been to ready us for the ministry God has for us.
As the title suggests, I was not at all going to be going into the topic of "marriage". But, it's a start for today.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Calling
How many times do we ask kids what they want to be when they grow up? In first through fourth grade, I wanted to be a News Broadcaster. From fourth through eighth grade, I wanted to be a full-time missionary. From eighth grade to my senior year of high school, I wanted to be a nurse. For each child one asks, you'll get a different answer. Most of the time, it's a job that has considerably influenced that child: doctor, lawyer, basketball player...you get the picture. Every once in a great while, a little girl will say, "Mommy." How is that child usually responded to? "No, what do you want your job to be?" or "That's nice, dear." and then we pat her on the head and smile at the child who cannot make up her mind as to what she is going to "make" of her life.
Unfortunately, WE have a problem, NOT that little girl. She may be one of the very few who actually listen to the calling from a very Still Small Voice. I was one of those who didn't listen, and thankfully, He made it so I had to. Somewhere along the line, I came to the assumption that unless I was making money, successful, and leading other people, I was not good enough. I started placing my value on the level of education I have, and how smart a few tests say I am. I allowed well-meaning people to say things like, "How could you, Type-A Tabitha, EVER be satisfied by staying at home with little kids", or "You have to USE that education", "Women were not meant to be baby-machines." Yes. I have heard each one of these, and many, many more. What's sick, is I believed them. Even though, deep down, one of my absolute greatest desires was always to be a mother, and be at home with my children. I worried for twelve long years that I would never be able to have a child, and then I worried that I would hold no value unless I was a successful career woman who also was a mother. Who says peer pressure is only in middle and high school?
Motherhood is SO much more than being able to give birth to a biological child, though. Anyone who has children will let you know this, too! Frankly, it is the hardest, scariest, busiest, most amazing thing I have ever done. But, it's more. It is my calling. God made it quite clear that He wanted me in our home. He shut doors that were wide open just a few months before, and slammed any remaining windows so hard, it would have shattered any non-shatter-resistant glass. I spent MONTHS wondering why God would punish me. How could I ever be worth anything sitting at home with two babies? I tried to work part-time, and then I tried to work from home. NOTHING ever worked! I have two degrees, experience, skills, and smarts, and the only thing I can do is change diapers?!? No, actually. Beyond the monumental task of attempting to keep a somewhat organized home with three children under five, God has given me the job of a LIFETIME. I am to teach, train, guide, nurture, and love three (with at least one more coming!) precious little lives, who, will somehow make an impact on the Kingdom of Heaven. (I am diligently praying it is a very positive impact!) Thankfully, I don't have to do it alone, but Richard works a LOT so I can be home. He is grateful he gets to sacrifice himself so that I can be home-that is the heart of the amazing man God led me to marry!
This Calling is more difficult than most can imagine, but also the most rewarding. When I forget that during the daily dull-drums of laundry, discipline, dishes, discipline, vacuuming, discipline...He sends one of the kids to give momma a hug, or to tell me they love me. On days I do not spend my time with the Lord, there is a mountain of failure. Even on days when I DO spend time with Him, there is plenty of failure. If motherhood has taught me anything, it is how much growing I have to do! I am also learning that Type-A perfectionist Tabitha has to rejoice in the victories, and work through the failures and mistakes. I have also learned that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I stay-at-home. Yes, we have (almost) four children pretty close in age. Yes, I do know how that happens.
Yes, I am entirely fulfilled. What about my social needs? Play dates! Don't I need some "Tabitha Time?" Ummm...no. Don't I miss my freedom? To exchange it for what-no husband or family? No. Don't I want to use my degree? I am. Obtaining my degree taught me self-discipline, self-denial, and courage to face obstacles. I use it everyday. If I could be anything, what would I be? A wife and mother. Really? Yes. Denying God's Calling on my life would be to throw away every good and perfect gift He has given me. And He has given me some amazing gifts that are too good to be thrown away.
Unfortunately, WE have a problem, NOT that little girl. She may be one of the very few who actually listen to the calling from a very Still Small Voice. I was one of those who didn't listen, and thankfully, He made it so I had to. Somewhere along the line, I came to the assumption that unless I was making money, successful, and leading other people, I was not good enough. I started placing my value on the level of education I have, and how smart a few tests say I am. I allowed well-meaning people to say things like, "How could you, Type-A Tabitha, EVER be satisfied by staying at home with little kids", or "You have to USE that education", "Women were not meant to be baby-machines." Yes. I have heard each one of these, and many, many more. What's sick, is I believed them. Even though, deep down, one of my absolute greatest desires was always to be a mother, and be at home with my children. I worried for twelve long years that I would never be able to have a child, and then I worried that I would hold no value unless I was a successful career woman who also was a mother. Who says peer pressure is only in middle and high school?
Motherhood is SO much more than being able to give birth to a biological child, though. Anyone who has children will let you know this, too! Frankly, it is the hardest, scariest, busiest, most amazing thing I have ever done. But, it's more. It is my calling. God made it quite clear that He wanted me in our home. He shut doors that were wide open just a few months before, and slammed any remaining windows so hard, it would have shattered any non-shatter-resistant glass. I spent MONTHS wondering why God would punish me. How could I ever be worth anything sitting at home with two babies? I tried to work part-time, and then I tried to work from home. NOTHING ever worked! I have two degrees, experience, skills, and smarts, and the only thing I can do is change diapers?!? No, actually. Beyond the monumental task of attempting to keep a somewhat organized home with three children under five, God has given me the job of a LIFETIME. I am to teach, train, guide, nurture, and love three (with at least one more coming!) precious little lives, who, will somehow make an impact on the Kingdom of Heaven. (I am diligently praying it is a very positive impact!) Thankfully, I don't have to do it alone, but Richard works a LOT so I can be home. He is grateful he gets to sacrifice himself so that I can be home-that is the heart of the amazing man God led me to marry!
This Calling is more difficult than most can imagine, but also the most rewarding. When I forget that during the daily dull-drums of laundry, discipline, dishes, discipline, vacuuming, discipline...He sends one of the kids to give momma a hug, or to tell me they love me. On days I do not spend my time with the Lord, there is a mountain of failure. Even on days when I DO spend time with Him, there is plenty of failure. If motherhood has taught me anything, it is how much growing I have to do! I am also learning that Type-A perfectionist Tabitha has to rejoice in the victories, and work through the failures and mistakes. I have also learned that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I stay-at-home. Yes, we have (almost) four children pretty close in age. Yes, I do know how that happens.
Yes, I am entirely fulfilled. What about my social needs? Play dates! Don't I need some "Tabitha Time?" Ummm...no. Don't I miss my freedom? To exchange it for what-no husband or family? No. Don't I want to use my degree? I am. Obtaining my degree taught me self-discipline, self-denial, and courage to face obstacles. I use it everyday. If I could be anything, what would I be? A wife and mother. Really? Yes. Denying God's Calling on my life would be to throw away every good and perfect gift He has given me. And He has given me some amazing gifts that are too good to be thrown away.
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