I cannot even remember how many times I have tried to write this entry. It has been over 1,000 days in the making, over four years of prayers, frustrations, disappointments, confusion, and even anger.
In this entirely horrific economy, Richard was able to find a new job, in an entirely new career. He has sacrificed so much to be an amazing husband and father. He used to think that if he wasn't in management, he might not be "worth as much." It's amazing what four years of three-four hours a sleep a day will do to pride. God brought us both to a place where we didn't care what the job change was, as long as it was a change. Our family has suffered silently, because talking about our struggles usually came with the reaction that it "couldn't be that bad" or that we were complaining. When your best friend tells you he fell asleep on the drive to work and hit a construction barrel, yes, it's been that bad. When your best friend makes sure to get a life-insurance policy because he knows his body cannot take much more of the abuse, yes, it's been that bad. When your best friend finally gets home from work, and cannot wait to see his children, but falls asleep as soon as he puts his car into park, yes, it's been that bad. This list could go on and on.
And now the change. Let me tell you, though, before an actual job change, came a lot of heart change and perspective change. God had to get us both to the point of complete and total relying on Him. God had to give us opportunities to learn about His Grace, His Provision, and how trustworthy our God is. God has also given us a great deal of lessons in truly making a marriage work when you literally see each other an average of an hour/day. It has NOT been easy. It has taken more patience, love, dedication, and devotion than I ever thought possible to even have. It has also given submission an entirely new meaning for me. If he calls and says he has thirty minutes for a lunch, you pack up four kids, make him a sandwich, and load up the truck to get there. Why? Because your vows are a lot more than pretty language. And, with a divorce rate of over fifty percent, you do every single thing in your power to let him know you are THERE. I may have "won" his heart eight years ago, but you can be quite certain that there are plenty of other girls who are ready to woo him. Now, I think my husband is quite good-looking, but looks don't seem to matter to some girls. A guy makes them laugh, and that's good enough. Or a guy is considerate, and that usually does it. Well, my husband is both, (plus the good looks!), so you can be sure that I have seen more than one eye watching out for him to not be so happy with his wife. Through all of this, God has given me SUCH a passion to work with young wives. Yes, I know, I could technically still be labeled as a young(er) wife. We will only just be hitting our six year anniversary next month. But, I also know that God brought us to and through the last few years. I also am quite aware that the next year is going to take a lot of trust in God and in each other to get us through. I would hope that the experiences we've been though have been to ready us for the ministry God has for us.
As the title suggests, I was not at all going to be going into the topic of "marriage". But, it's a start for today.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Calling
How many times do we ask kids what they want to be when they grow up? In first through fourth grade, I wanted to be a News Broadcaster. From fourth through eighth grade, I wanted to be a full-time missionary. From eighth grade to my senior year of high school, I wanted to be a nurse. For each child one asks, you'll get a different answer. Most of the time, it's a job that has considerably influenced that child: doctor, lawyer, basketball player...you get the picture. Every once in a great while, a little girl will say, "Mommy." How is that child usually responded to? "No, what do you want your job to be?" or "That's nice, dear." and then we pat her on the head and smile at the child who cannot make up her mind as to what she is going to "make" of her life.
Unfortunately, WE have a problem, NOT that little girl. She may be one of the very few who actually listen to the calling from a very Still Small Voice. I was one of those who didn't listen, and thankfully, He made it so I had to. Somewhere along the line, I came to the assumption that unless I was making money, successful, and leading other people, I was not good enough. I started placing my value on the level of education I have, and how smart a few tests say I am. I allowed well-meaning people to say things like, "How could you, Type-A Tabitha, EVER be satisfied by staying at home with little kids", or "You have to USE that education", "Women were not meant to be baby-machines." Yes. I have heard each one of these, and many, many more. What's sick, is I believed them. Even though, deep down, one of my absolute greatest desires was always to be a mother, and be at home with my children. I worried for twelve long years that I would never be able to have a child, and then I worried that I would hold no value unless I was a successful career woman who also was a mother. Who says peer pressure is only in middle and high school?
Motherhood is SO much more than being able to give birth to a biological child, though. Anyone who has children will let you know this, too! Frankly, it is the hardest, scariest, busiest, most amazing thing I have ever done. But, it's more. It is my calling. God made it quite clear that He wanted me in our home. He shut doors that were wide open just a few months before, and slammed any remaining windows so hard, it would have shattered any non-shatter-resistant glass. I spent MONTHS wondering why God would punish me. How could I ever be worth anything sitting at home with two babies? I tried to work part-time, and then I tried to work from home. NOTHING ever worked! I have two degrees, experience, skills, and smarts, and the only thing I can do is change diapers?!? No, actually. Beyond the monumental task of attempting to keep a somewhat organized home with three children under five, God has given me the job of a LIFETIME. I am to teach, train, guide, nurture, and love three (with at least one more coming!) precious little lives, who, will somehow make an impact on the Kingdom of Heaven. (I am diligently praying it is a very positive impact!) Thankfully, I don't have to do it alone, but Richard works a LOT so I can be home. He is grateful he gets to sacrifice himself so that I can be home-that is the heart of the amazing man God led me to marry!
This Calling is more difficult than most can imagine, but also the most rewarding. When I forget that during the daily dull-drums of laundry, discipline, dishes, discipline, vacuuming, discipline...He sends one of the kids to give momma a hug, or to tell me they love me. On days I do not spend my time with the Lord, there is a mountain of failure. Even on days when I DO spend time with Him, there is plenty of failure. If motherhood has taught me anything, it is how much growing I have to do! I am also learning that Type-A perfectionist Tabitha has to rejoice in the victories, and work through the failures and mistakes. I have also learned that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I stay-at-home. Yes, we have (almost) four children pretty close in age. Yes, I do know how that happens.
Yes, I am entirely fulfilled. What about my social needs? Play dates! Don't I need some "Tabitha Time?" Ummm...no. Don't I miss my freedom? To exchange it for what-no husband or family? No. Don't I want to use my degree? I am. Obtaining my degree taught me self-discipline, self-denial, and courage to face obstacles. I use it everyday. If I could be anything, what would I be? A wife and mother. Really? Yes. Denying God's Calling on my life would be to throw away every good and perfect gift He has given me. And He has given me some amazing gifts that are too good to be thrown away.
Unfortunately, WE have a problem, NOT that little girl. She may be one of the very few who actually listen to the calling from a very Still Small Voice. I was one of those who didn't listen, and thankfully, He made it so I had to. Somewhere along the line, I came to the assumption that unless I was making money, successful, and leading other people, I was not good enough. I started placing my value on the level of education I have, and how smart a few tests say I am. I allowed well-meaning people to say things like, "How could you, Type-A Tabitha, EVER be satisfied by staying at home with little kids", or "You have to USE that education", "Women were not meant to be baby-machines." Yes. I have heard each one of these, and many, many more. What's sick, is I believed them. Even though, deep down, one of my absolute greatest desires was always to be a mother, and be at home with my children. I worried for twelve long years that I would never be able to have a child, and then I worried that I would hold no value unless I was a successful career woman who also was a mother. Who says peer pressure is only in middle and high school?
Motherhood is SO much more than being able to give birth to a biological child, though. Anyone who has children will let you know this, too! Frankly, it is the hardest, scariest, busiest, most amazing thing I have ever done. But, it's more. It is my calling. God made it quite clear that He wanted me in our home. He shut doors that were wide open just a few months before, and slammed any remaining windows so hard, it would have shattered any non-shatter-resistant glass. I spent MONTHS wondering why God would punish me. How could I ever be worth anything sitting at home with two babies? I tried to work part-time, and then I tried to work from home. NOTHING ever worked! I have two degrees, experience, skills, and smarts, and the only thing I can do is change diapers?!? No, actually. Beyond the monumental task of attempting to keep a somewhat organized home with three children under five, God has given me the job of a LIFETIME. I am to teach, train, guide, nurture, and love three (with at least one more coming!) precious little lives, who, will somehow make an impact on the Kingdom of Heaven. (I am diligently praying it is a very positive impact!) Thankfully, I don't have to do it alone, but Richard works a LOT so I can be home. He is grateful he gets to sacrifice himself so that I can be home-that is the heart of the amazing man God led me to marry!
This Calling is more difficult than most can imagine, but also the most rewarding. When I forget that during the daily dull-drums of laundry, discipline, dishes, discipline, vacuuming, discipline...He sends one of the kids to give momma a hug, or to tell me they love me. On days I do not spend my time with the Lord, there is a mountain of failure. Even on days when I DO spend time with Him, there is plenty of failure. If motherhood has taught me anything, it is how much growing I have to do! I am also learning that Type-A perfectionist Tabitha has to rejoice in the victories, and work through the failures and mistakes. I have also learned that I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I stay-at-home. Yes, we have (almost) four children pretty close in age. Yes, I do know how that happens.
Yes, I am entirely fulfilled. What about my social needs? Play dates! Don't I need some "Tabitha Time?" Ummm...no. Don't I miss my freedom? To exchange it for what-no husband or family? No. Don't I want to use my degree? I am. Obtaining my degree taught me self-discipline, self-denial, and courage to face obstacles. I use it everyday. If I could be anything, what would I be? A wife and mother. Really? Yes. Denying God's Calling on my life would be to throw away every good and perfect gift He has given me. And He has given me some amazing gifts that are too good to be thrown away.
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