The title I chose is truly how the past nine months have felt to me. My soul became a desert, and each day, it broke apart more. I would beg God to let each sermon fill me and help me change, but to little avail. Finally, I had had enough.
(Rewind nine years...)
During one of our Ladies Devotions at WOL Hungary, a Guest Teacher's wife shared with us a story about a man who was broken in his relationship with the Lord. So, he went away to an isolated cabin, and in two weeks read through the entire Scripture. He would make his food, sleep, and read. This story hit me, as the Lord has blessed me with the ability to read quite quickly. So, a few weeks later, I decided to do a quick read through, but with added time, as I had responsibilities to classes and ministry. I read through the entire Word of God in just a few weeks, never "feeling" like I was learning/getting much from it. But, the day after I had finished, I went for a walk, and realized I "missed" God. It was one of those amazing moments when you realize God blessed your feeble effort to do right.
(...and now to the almost present...)
Richard and I had been seriously praying about the next steps for us to get toward ministry. After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, I enrolled in a Master's program for Biblical Counseling. With great excitement, I embarked on my first class. I have NEVER been so stressed in my entire life. This was a Master's class on steroids! I studied from the time I woke up, late into the evening, and almost had a mental breakdown by the end. I also found out we were expecting Baby 5 during the class...and then lost Baby T... Now you might say, "geez! This girl has four kids, big hairy deal." Oh, it was. During this time, I had over ten friends expecting little ones. (Serious!) Every single time I saw a picture of one of their newborns, it was like my heart was going to explode. I was happy for them, but my heart ached. As I said above, I had enough. The Lord graciously reminded me of the time I had in Hungary, and I made a serious decision. I was going to read through the Bible by Christmas. I knew I would learn little, but hoped the Lord would meet me in my desert, and begin the healing process. I ordered a new Journal-Bible, and began the day it arrived. Seven weeks later (12.12.12), I finished. And, the Lord met me right where I was, and carried me out of the ugliness. The sadness, anger, and frustration were lifted. Some time during those seven weeks, God answered my plea to save me, and did so abundantly.
I would LOVE to say that my life is a bowl of cherries now. Nope. Just last month, He ordained that we would walk through another loss of a wee one. This time, though, was so different. I was sad, of course, but I did not wallow in the self-pity that had ruled just a few short months before. One of the biggest differences has been the fact that my Quiet Time with Him is no longer an option. I am wonderfully crazy-busy with our four precious gifts, homeschooling, and all of the other things that go along with running a home. But, pushing God until "later" cannot happen. I have realized my ultimate need for Him, and He moved ever closer to me. Through the encouragement of ladies at Church, meditating and memorizing Scripture has helped to continue the healing process for this once-broken vessel.
I am not who I once was, but I am not yet what I will be! Praise be to our Loving Heavenly Father for His graciousness in each of our lives.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
One Good Spanking with Three Wishes
I wish I could count on one hand the people who have told me that "one good spanking" would really help my son. Well meaning family, friends, and even old ladies at Sam's Club. I'm not looking for apologies or sympathies, because believe me, if one good one would really heal my son, I would give him the spanking of the century. I am not a wise woman, and definitely lack patience, but the Lord truly gave me a glimpse of His wisdom with Titus. I knew from a very early age that my boy's disruptive behavior was not sin. I'll never forget the moment I looked into his eyes, and got a glimpse into his little heart. He was stuck and hurting within himself, and could not help himself. I'm infinitely grateful I did not see into his heart after an aggressive attempt at discipline.
My second wish is to stop feeling the need to apologize or defend his behavior. ...Because in all reality, his behavior is a reflection of my parenting, right? For example, Timmy had football practice today. Titus was watching, but he hates clothes. Hates. Wearing shoes, shirts, and pants is pure punishment for him. So, during practice, he first had to take his shoes off. It was hot today, naturally the shorts came next. Richard kept trying to get him to keep his clothes on, but Titus was hot and melting down. So, I looked at Richard, making sure he knew I wasn't trying to usurp his authority, and helped Titus get his too-hot pants off. (To his credit, last week was FREEZING, so I kinda overdressed all the kids...) I saw the looks. This adorable blondie that looks much older than three-years-old in his Buzz Lightyear shirt and a diaper. Hey! He kept his shirt on! I know my husband was uncomfortable. He hasn't had the pleasure of all the "much better parents shaking their heads at this loathsome excuse for a mother" looks. For as many as I've had, you'd think I was immune, but alas, they still hurt. Today, though, Titus happily romped around in his t-shirt and diaper with his sister. His yelps of joy as they both patiently played together were delightful to my ears. My joy in seeing them enjoy each others' company shielded me from any embarrassment, and helped me hear the whisper from the Lord reminding me I have an audience of One.
My final wish would be to have four completely healthy children. Thankfully, God had much bigger plans for me. He knew He had given me the perfect design to help this incredibly special child. He knew His work would be better fulfilled in me as a mother and woman with Titus in our home. He knew I would grow more with him than without him. I do wish Titus didn't have autism and have to deal with the internal pain this disorder causes him. I wish I could say the right prayer or see the right doctor or do just the right action to cure him. But, for now, I cannot. I will pray every single day for Titus to be made whole. I will never give up attempting to get the help he needs to become the man God has called him to be. I will rejoice always, and get to relish in every step forward he takes. I will choose to see his potential, understanding he has areas of growth. Above all, I will beg the Lord for wisdom to see when his sin nature needs to be corrected, and when he just needs another big hug.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Idolatry?
Log on to Facebook or Pinterest (my two social networking addictions), and you will see TONS of posts regarding gym time, food, ways to slim this or that, calorie counting, or "motivational" quotes. In a Country that is slowly being overtaken by obesity, I do understand the growing obsession with health and wellness. Self-discipline is needed and necessary to live a full and healthy life.
Enter some more of my embarrassing life story. As I believe I have already mentioned, after becoming a diabetic, my body changed a great deal in just a few months. (Going from near-death to healthy will do that to a young girl...) From that tender age of 13, I began to loathe my body. Enter high school, and I was so busy in sports, I didn't have time to get into trouble. I lived for the competition and loved it, but still was quite unhappy with the way I looked. Now, one thing about being extraordinarily competitive, is you tend to alienate people. So, as I entered college, I wanted a clean start and did not join the sports I could have. (I was recruited to play soccer and volleyball.) I didn't want people to hate me because I was so tough on the field/courts. Well, needless to say, going from hours of exercise a day to none, I blew the "Freshman 15" out of the water. I gained so much weight, I made the normal fifteen pounds freshman gain look like child's play. Yeah, not great for the whole "bad body image" deal I already had. As I left college, I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked. So, within a summer, I got so disciplined, I never even looked at candy, let alone anything that could sway me to go back to the awful way I had just felt. Focus, focus, focus.
1 Timothy 4:7-8=7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. 8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.
Isaiah 44:9a=Those who make an image, all of them are useless, And their precious things shall not profit;
For the last few years, I have been driving my husband crazy whenever I would say anything about my appearance. He is almost never cross with me, except when I would say something negative about myself. This past December, something he said finally hit a cord with me. I don't honestly remember what he said, but I do remember as I was trying to decide on what would be my "Focus Area's" for 2012, I distinctly felt the Lord placing Idolatry on my heart. It was one of those light bulb, DUH moments. I was so focused on how I looked, and how I felt I needed to look, I had made my unwise self my own idol...for years. Talk about feeling pretty foolish! How could I become a wife and mother after God's own heart, when I was constantly and consistently focusing on me?
So, for the past few months, I have been "de-programming" myself. It has taken more self-discipline than when I was at the gym a few hours/day. As with any sin issue, I still have quite a long way to go, but I am finally dealing with it. This is not to say I have given up on exercise. I still drag myself onto our spin bike for a good amount of time, several days a week. It is not to say one should throw their health to the birds, either. But, the focus needs to be up, not in.
...and remember, God NEVER lies:
Enter some more of my embarrassing life story. As I believe I have already mentioned, after becoming a diabetic, my body changed a great deal in just a few months. (Going from near-death to healthy will do that to a young girl...) From that tender age of 13, I began to loathe my body. Enter high school, and I was so busy in sports, I didn't have time to get into trouble. I lived for the competition and loved it, but still was quite unhappy with the way I looked. Now, one thing about being extraordinarily competitive, is you tend to alienate people. So, as I entered college, I wanted a clean start and did not join the sports I could have. (I was recruited to play soccer and volleyball.) I didn't want people to hate me because I was so tough on the field/courts. Well, needless to say, going from hours of exercise a day to none, I blew the "Freshman 15" out of the water. I gained so much weight, I made the normal fifteen pounds freshman gain look like child's play. Yeah, not great for the whole "bad body image" deal I already had. As I left college, I was sick and tired of hating myself and the way I looked. So, within a summer, I got so disciplined, I never even looked at candy, let alone anything that could sway me to go back to the awful way I had just felt. Focus, focus, focus.
1 Timothy 4:7-8=7 But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness. 8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.
Isaiah 44:9a=Those who make an image, all of them are useless, And their precious things shall not profit;
For the last few years, I have been driving my husband crazy whenever I would say anything about my appearance. He is almost never cross with me, except when I would say something negative about myself. This past December, something he said finally hit a cord with me. I don't honestly remember what he said, but I do remember as I was trying to decide on what would be my "Focus Area's" for 2012, I distinctly felt the Lord placing Idolatry on my heart. It was one of those light bulb, DUH moments. I was so focused on how I looked, and how I felt I needed to look, I had made my unwise self my own idol...for years. Talk about feeling pretty foolish! How could I become a wife and mother after God's own heart, when I was constantly and consistently focusing on me?
So, for the past few months, I have been "de-programming" myself. It has taken more self-discipline than when I was at the gym a few hours/day. As with any sin issue, I still have quite a long way to go, but I am finally dealing with it. This is not to say I have given up on exercise. I still drag myself onto our spin bike for a good amount of time, several days a week. It is not to say one should throw their health to the birds, either. But, the focus needs to be up, not in.
...and remember, God NEVER lies:
Psalm 139:13-14=For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Learning Curve
As a recovering professional teacher (ask my poor AWANA Olympic kids who step slightly out of line!), I have been faced with many different types of learners, and learning disabilities. I was quite certain I had the capability to handle any type of struggle that would be thrown my way...until the disability came to our home. The journey that the Lord has taken us on, really beginning two years ago, has taken me to the deepest valleys as well as shown me that the "mountain tops" are a little bit different than I thought.
Around the time our third child turned one, I knew things were not developing in him the way they had for our older two. I was aware, but not yet concerned, after all, all children develop differently. But, as time went on, I knew my son was becoming less and less of the little man I knew was in there. I watched his development stop/change/deteriorate before my eyes, and I did NOT know how to help him. My precious son was hurting, and I stood by helpless and clueless. Even as I type this, I cannot help but shed a few tears. When your child hurts, your heart breaks...over and over.
The breaking point came (for me) sometime in September. I was at a store, trying to get needed groceries, and he had a "meltdown." Screaming, crying, and in today's vernacular, "Freaking O.U.T.!" This is NOT a temper tantrum, they are much different, and cannot be soothed by anything. As people stopped to watch the spectacle, (I am NOT kidding!), I held one screaming child in one arm, a car seat in the other, begged the other two to follow, and barely made it out the door, with sweat streaming down my face. Attractive, I know. I made it to the truck, no milk, no groceries, and no strength left. To make matters worse, I had my own breakdown. I got the kids in the car, blinded by tears, and cried the entire way home. I almost had to pull over as I just cried. How did it get this hard? Why could I not help my own son?
My poor husband got a few voice mails from me, none of which he could even understand. I was that heartbroken, and that devastated by the state of my son. I couldn't even buy milk! How could I be a mother?!? Like I said, this was the bottom for me. Through a series of miraculous events, we found out that our son was extremely iron deficient, causing him high levels of "anxiety", as his body was breaking down. (Anxiety is the best way to describe how his little body was feeling.) This iron deficiency caused some serious developmental issues, some of which include sensory and verbal delays. When I say, "miraculous", I mean miraculous, too. If he had been "stuck" in the caustic body much longer, he would have been permanently delayed in his development, with no hope of fixing it. In the wise words of one of our Pastors,
"God is rarely early, but He is NEVER late."
Now, our son is in multiple therapies, and we have changed the way we eat-it must have, "Gluten-Free in it", in the words of our older two! He will most-likely be in a "therapy school" starting in Fall, where he will get multiple therapist teachers four mornings/week. For now, it will be time to learn if any of his delays are actually permanent issues.
This is where my lessons have come in. As a lot of "Type A" personalities, "patience" is not exactly my strong suit. I'm a get-it-done kinda girl. Yesterday would be preferable. But, I do not have that option with my son. I have learned how to hold him, touch him, and love him differently to help calm his frazzled body. I have also learned that when I think I've reached my end, I actually have a lot more patience to draw from. So, when my older two "get on my nerves", I've had to realize my nerves can handle so much more, without losing control. As any mother knows who desperately wants to be godly, I have had to run to the Lord over and over again. Not just during my Quiet Time, but multiple times during the day, sometimes multiple times an hour.
Climbing out of this valley has been a long process, but one I'm so grateful to have been walking. As my husband said to me the other day, our son has changed me more than I could ever change him. The Lord used this special and precious boy to help me become more of the mother the Lord wants me to be-for ALL of our children. I am SO far away from what He wants for me, but I'm working on it. And that is my learning curve.
Around the time our third child turned one, I knew things were not developing in him the way they had for our older two. I was aware, but not yet concerned, after all, all children develop differently. But, as time went on, I knew my son was becoming less and less of the little man I knew was in there. I watched his development stop/change/deteriorate before my eyes, and I did NOT know how to help him. My precious son was hurting, and I stood by helpless and clueless. Even as I type this, I cannot help but shed a few tears. When your child hurts, your heart breaks...over and over.
The breaking point came (for me) sometime in September. I was at a store, trying to get needed groceries, and he had a "meltdown." Screaming, crying, and in today's vernacular, "Freaking O.U.T.!" This is NOT a temper tantrum, they are much different, and cannot be soothed by anything. As people stopped to watch the spectacle, (I am NOT kidding!), I held one screaming child in one arm, a car seat in the other, begged the other two to follow, and barely made it out the door, with sweat streaming down my face. Attractive, I know. I made it to the truck, no milk, no groceries, and no strength left. To make matters worse, I had my own breakdown. I got the kids in the car, blinded by tears, and cried the entire way home. I almost had to pull over as I just cried. How did it get this hard? Why could I not help my own son?
My poor husband got a few voice mails from me, none of which he could even understand. I was that heartbroken, and that devastated by the state of my son. I couldn't even buy milk! How could I be a mother?!? Like I said, this was the bottom for me. Through a series of miraculous events, we found out that our son was extremely iron deficient, causing him high levels of "anxiety", as his body was breaking down. (Anxiety is the best way to describe how his little body was feeling.) This iron deficiency caused some serious developmental issues, some of which include sensory and verbal delays. When I say, "miraculous", I mean miraculous, too. If he had been "stuck" in the caustic body much longer, he would have been permanently delayed in his development, with no hope of fixing it. In the wise words of one of our Pastors,
"God is rarely early, but He is NEVER late."
Now, our son is in multiple therapies, and we have changed the way we eat-it must have, "Gluten-Free in it", in the words of our older two! He will most-likely be in a "therapy school" starting in Fall, where he will get multiple therapist teachers four mornings/week. For now, it will be time to learn if any of his delays are actually permanent issues.
This is where my lessons have come in. As a lot of "Type A" personalities, "patience" is not exactly my strong suit. I'm a get-it-done kinda girl. Yesterday would be preferable. But, I do not have that option with my son. I have learned how to hold him, touch him, and love him differently to help calm his frazzled body. I have also learned that when I think I've reached my end, I actually have a lot more patience to draw from. So, when my older two "get on my nerves", I've had to realize my nerves can handle so much more, without losing control. As any mother knows who desperately wants to be godly, I have had to run to the Lord over and over again. Not just during my Quiet Time, but multiple times during the day, sometimes multiple times an hour.
Climbing out of this valley has been a long process, but one I'm so grateful to have been walking. As my husband said to me the other day, our son has changed me more than I could ever change him. The Lord used this special and precious boy to help me become more of the mother the Lord wants me to be-for ALL of our children. I am SO far away from what He wants for me, but I'm working on it. And that is my learning curve.
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