Four mornings per week, for three hours, my life is so calm. Calm, quiet, smooth...almost easy. My older two play...sometimes even quarrel, but all things considered, are not difficult. There is no screeching, little screaming, and even a little cleaning. Beds get made, teeth get brushed, clothes get changed, breakfast gets served-eaten and cleared, and then some schoolwork gets done. Richard gets his lunch made, we might even sit and have a cup of coffee (mine is decaf...but it still tastes a little like coffee...), and can actually have a small conversation before he heads to work. If necessary, I can even run to the store quickly with the older two, and we get in and get out with relative ease.
No matter how you slice it, four sinners under one roof can lead to issues...especially when I am one of those sinners... But, it is easy. Now, when I only had those two little cute ones, I had no idea how easy it was. I had never been pushed to my absolute limit-and beyond that limit. Frankly, I had never realized how completely and totally dependent I am on the Lord to parent each and every moment of my life. If you have already realized this-you have much more wisdom than I had...and probably still have. I had never realized how patient I could be when I had no other choice. If my older two had pushed me the same way, my reaction would not have been patience (to put it mildly).
I never worried about my kids learning and hearing the Gospel. Now, my understanding of the Gospel has been radically transformed in the past year-and-a-half, so I had some bad theology that needed to be fixed. In reality, though, I believed if I parented "well enough," said the "right things," and let them know church was where I wanted to be not had to be, they would get themselves right with God. Like I stated, I had some bad theology!
Honestly, as "easy" as those twelve hours are per week, I cannot wait for my boys to be home. I am so grateful for my little gifts from God, who stretch me so much more than anything ever has. The quiet distracts me after a few minutes. I keep turning around waiting for those little feet to step on my heels. I am so grateful that I know I cannot go to the Zoo or even the store without help-I am utterly dependent on others to make it through some of the "normal" things of a day. How prideful I was (and still am!), and how easy was it to be, when I could be so independent...aka dependent on myself. The Lord graciously gave me so much more than I could handle, so I would finally depend on Him. He also had to teach me the hard way that not everything is worth defending. It is quite difficult for me to let someone else think I am wrong on any matter-especially parenting. (Another area for pride to be prevalent!) In the not-so-spiritual words of Anna and Elsa, I had to "let it go!"
Parenting little ones with special needs is not easy. There are days I wonder if I am doing anything right. There are moments of utter heartbreak. There are also sweet, precious moments I would overlook or miss if I didn't realize what amazing miracles they are. I would miss so many blessings-they are there for everyone, everyday, but I would not have seen them. Somehow, God used "special needs" to show me my "neediness" and His love. That is a miracle.
