Based on a few events during the last several weeks, I knew I was standing on the edge of the Psalm 23 Valley of the Shadow of Death. So, tongue-in-cheek, I was looking for a flashlight, spot light, or even better, one of those "super-lights to attract people to a big shindig" type of lights. I mean, you want to avoid a shadow, stand by one of those, right? But, no. Nothing can scare away a shadow that the Lord intends you to walk into. Honestly, though, I wanted to avoid that Valley like you wouldn't believe.
If you read my last post, you'll know that between May and Thanksgiving Day, we lost two babies. I had one visit to a doctor that indicated a possibility that I may have been kicked off of the "mommy train," if you know what I mean. So, Richard and I spent some serious time in prayer asking the Lord to bless us with one more. And He did. Richard has this amazing, "we prayed for it, God's gonna bless it" type of attitude at times, and was positive we would have some + signs on those special tests. ;) As I said, we did. I didn't even call the doctor until I had 4 (yes, 4!) from different days, different brands, etc...Well, due to the fact that I now had a history, I was called in to do blood work. It came back positive for Baby, negative for hormone numbers. And to make a tedious story a bit shorter, those numbers just never rose the way they should have. (600, should be 10,000 type of bad...) Moving on, a week ago, we got called in for an ultrasound to see what was going on. Baby was there, but way too small. In the words of the doctor, "cross your fingers and come back next week".
As the week went on, I begged the Lord for our little one, and also begged Him to protect my scarred and weak heart from turning away from Him if He would allow more pain. I also asked Him that if He allowed us to lose the Baby, to not have to go in to our next ultrasound believing there would be a heartbeat. 1 Corinthians 10:13 is not a lie. He knew what I could and could not handle. He knew I needed to walk another path of loss, but could not handle facing the loss at an ultrasound. I had no doubts as we walked in today that our Baby was gone, and probably teasing my precious Grandma with holy shenanigans.
Today, a dear friend made me face our loss by asking what we decided to name our little one. I realized I had been protecting my heart all throughout this roller coaster ride of a pregnancy. (Don't feel bad, the Lord used this to help me, and show me one more way Richard is a God-loving man!) Our little one is David Luke. My husband was a type of David during this pregnancy. He fasted in a way that was (and still is) shocking to me, deciding that David fasted and prayed for his son's life until the Lord took that baby Home. Luke is my favorite Gospel. Ironically, a doctor, and our baby went straight into the Arms of the ultimate Healer.
I never thought that a loss could bring my husband and I closer, or deepen my love and trust of him. Nor did I think I would truly realize the Love of my Savior through the death of my child. I suppose, after all, I don't really need that flashlight. Yea, Though I walk the the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil. For Thou art with me, Thy rod and staff comfort me.
