For the first time in over eleven years, I joined choir. "Woefully inadequate" is an honest description of my abilities, especially in the light of the difficult arrangements we were tasked to sing. I think I let the years of my children telling me how beautiful my voice is go to my head, but as they say, pride came before a lovely fall. Moving on, the final song we sang was "A Mighty Fortress is Our God", written by Martin Luther. As a graduate of a Lutheran university, this song had definitely lost a lot of it's "flair" for me. Plainly, I did not like the song, and added to the fact that the arrangement was meant for someone ready for the Opera, I just wanted to get through it with as little embarrassment as possible.
In addition, this weekend had extra stressors for me. I was the Matron of Honor for a wedding I had "mixed emotions" over. I asked for prayer, and a lot of it. I tend to be the "blunt force trauma" type of person. I loathe lying with such a fervent passion, I will be brutally honest to even avoid the appearance of a lie. That being said, when someone said they hoped I would be a light to those around me, I answered with, "I just don't want to be in sin." I was not looking to be a testimony, I simply did not want to be a loud-mouth sinner if given the opportunity. Although the day did not go off without a hitch, I can say that I threw myself into the role I was asked to fulfill, and kept quiet when needed.
After all of the singing and wedding-ing, Sunday afternoon allowed a much needed work out. During that brief forty-five minutes, I had a scathing letter written (in my head), with (strong) Biblical support for each of my points of contention. (FYI-the letter was for a person NOT related, or a member of my family, legal or otherwise!!) I had righteous indignation, as well as my defender personality in full swing. So, really, I was furious. And, even though my points are 100% right, it is neither my place nor wise to write the letter comprised in my head. Out loud I said to God that I did not even want His help to take care of my feelings. I was right, and I wanted to hold on to the wrath that was beginning to consume me. And, just like that, He took it. Completely. Even thinking about it as I write this, the emotion is gone. The truth is still there, but I am completely settled in the fact that God will take care of it IF and/or when He chooses.
I opened my Bible tonight to pray through Psalm 46. (It's the next chapter in my schedule.) Psalm 46:1-God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. As I sat at my table, God's Word took my breath away. The Truth of Scripture, and the promises God has made in His Word were just as evident over the past few days, as they were when they were written down. No, I am not an Israelite living in the desert, in fear for my life, but I am His child, and He is Who He says He is. Discovering this Truth on a more intimate level, even as my sin seems more ugly and more encompassing, is life changing. I am quite certain I will never again hear that song with a negative point-of-view. As Martin Luther dedicated his life to proclaim 500 years ago, my God is my mighty fortress-He is my helper in times of need.
A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing. Our helper He amid the flood, of mortal ills prevailing.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Thursday, October 19, 2017
How Can This be "Good"?
Betrayal. Lies. Deceit. Not a good start, right? Perhaps the start to a teenage drama that makes you gag, but that's about it. Unfortunately, it was what dropped right into my life. A lot of sin, covered with semantics to justify the behaviors. The particulars of this issue really don't matter. Besides, "juicy gossip" isn't really my thing. What does matter is what God did, and what He is doing.
My first reaction to bad news is usually a flare of temper. I am most definitely not boasting about that, nor am I excusing it. It is just the truth. This time, however, I was sad. My first reaction was not explosive, loud, or angry, it was simply overwhelming sadness that sin had ruled. After the news had time to sink in, I went to the bathroom and cried. I yelled at God for a minute (yep...proud moment right there...), but then, asked Him to help me not want to be angry. That is definitely a new thing I'm trying out...so far, He is quite gracious to help and answer in my time of request...which is pretty much His character.
As a few restless nights ensued, combined with a thought life that just would not shut down for a moment, I wanted to give in to the emotions. It is SO much easier to just let them win...at least in the moment. My hubster was overwhelming in his compassion. We're talking above and beyond, crying with me, and just giving me a lot of hugs-not even trying to "fix" it! So, when we were in the car together, and I looked at him and asked him a question, he knew I was not asking in anger. He understood my heart, and answered directly to it.
My question: How is this good? How is this for my good and God's glory, when it is all sin? He looked at me (carefully...he was driving!), and said some things that I hope I will never forget. He told me it was for my good to take my hurt to Jesus, and remember He loves me and cares for me. He reminded me God is glorified when I let Him handle my hurts, when I let Him hold my heart and change my emotions to His. Remembering how much He loves me is for my good...and His glory. How my great High Priest is interceding directly on my behalf to keep me from letting my own sinful temptations rule in my life.
I will never call the hurt this situation entailed, "good." But, some great has emerged. There is a little part of me that understands a little more about my good, good Father. There is also a memory of my husband's love for me. A moment that I probably won't forget...especially since I have this crazy memory that locks things in for a good, long time. After fourteen years together, I fell a little bit more in love with the man who has loved, guided, and walked alongside me through some pretty thin, without ever wavering. So, yes, this turned out to be for my good, and His glory.
My first reaction to bad news is usually a flare of temper. I am most definitely not boasting about that, nor am I excusing it. It is just the truth. This time, however, I was sad. My first reaction was not explosive, loud, or angry, it was simply overwhelming sadness that sin had ruled. After the news had time to sink in, I went to the bathroom and cried. I yelled at God for a minute (yep...proud moment right there...), but then, asked Him to help me not want to be angry. That is definitely a new thing I'm trying out...so far, He is quite gracious to help and answer in my time of request...which is pretty much His character.
As a few restless nights ensued, combined with a thought life that just would not shut down for a moment, I wanted to give in to the emotions. It is SO much easier to just let them win...at least in the moment. My hubster was overwhelming in his compassion. We're talking above and beyond, crying with me, and just giving me a lot of hugs-not even trying to "fix" it! So, when we were in the car together, and I looked at him and asked him a question, he knew I was not asking in anger. He understood my heart, and answered directly to it.
My question: How is this good? How is this for my good and God's glory, when it is all sin? He looked at me (carefully...he was driving!), and said some things that I hope I will never forget. He told me it was for my good to take my hurt to Jesus, and remember He loves me and cares for me. He reminded me God is glorified when I let Him handle my hurts, when I let Him hold my heart and change my emotions to His. Remembering how much He loves me is for my good...and His glory. How my great High Priest is interceding directly on my behalf to keep me from letting my own sinful temptations rule in my life.
I will never call the hurt this situation entailed, "good." But, some great has emerged. There is a little part of me that understands a little more about my good, good Father. There is also a memory of my husband's love for me. A moment that I probably won't forget...especially since I have this crazy memory that locks things in for a good, long time. After fourteen years together, I fell a little bit more in love with the man who has loved, guided, and walked alongside me through some pretty thin, without ever wavering. So, yes, this turned out to be for my good, and His glory.
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