I actually had another post started a couple of weeks ago, but have been unable to finish it. Instead, that one got sent to the "drafts" box, and this one poured out. The following is a list coming from my heart about life with my special guys:
1. Walking behind another mom picking up her four-year-old, I get a little nostalgic...and a little sad. Your gabby little one is telling you all about her day. The friends, the blocks, the special parts of her morning, all in a whirlwind of quick speech and bouncing all over the sidewalk while gripping your hand. My sweet guy runs out of the school, grabs a hold of me, smiles, and hangs on tight. He is too tired to walk, so I get to carry him (perhaps I will eventually have arms like Hulk...my kids aren't so little!). He holds on tight, and I relish the few moments of walking to the Truck, slower than normal, because you and your little one are engaged in conversation.
2. I love Church. A lot. It is the highlight of my week, and more anticipated than I can explain. It also carries some nerves. I don't know if he'll go in. I don't know if he will run, scream, or start thrashing, even though just a few moments ago he was just fine. We have a routine, but sometimes even the schedule of routine isn't enough. We know his teacher's love him, serve him, and want him to join in...it isn't them. It's just Sunday morning, and he is tired from his week, and that is that.
3. I love being outside. Shocking to some, I'm sure, but I love running. I used to take the kids on a walk everyday...sometimes more than one/day, just to be outside or go to the parks that are close. I honestly cannot remember the last time I walked with them. We can't anymore. He runs away, and has no fear of anything. That car that refuses to follow the speed limit threatens my guys' life. He will never be able to stop in time when my guy runs into the street. So we don't go. Controlled park times-we drive, and it is fenced, and I am vigilant at all times are our game, now. I can guarantee I am never the mom too busy on her phone... I am a mom who looks like she is watching an intense game of ping pong, constantly looking for the happy little heads bouncing around the playground, making sure a whim hasn't pulled him away.
4. I used to constantly be on-the-go. Going here and there, going everywhere. (Sorry, my daughter is deeply into Dr. Seuss right now!) No more. I just finally came to the conclusion that I cannot even go to the store with my guy. He just cannot handle it after school. He is too tired, too frayed, and at the first opportunity, he will become the screaming, flailing, Hulk that lives close to the surface, that this momma can barely keep safe. Break. My. Heart.
5. I have hopes and dreams. And those hopes and dreams have had to be turned over to the Lord and offered as a sacrifice. Because they are not His plans. Not for my life, not for my guys' lives, not as a punishment, but as a testimony of His Grace in our lives. Not the type of Grace I was looking for, either. His Grace is abundantly different and better than what I ever wanted, or thought I needed. I wanted "perfect" kids who would grow up and serve Him in the prescribed ways of service...pastors, teachers, missionaries, etc... Now, He may have some of those plans for our little ones, or He may not. ...And frankly, I have to pray each day to trust Him enough to let it be.
This is just a glimpse into my heart...unfortunately there are several more I could add. Honestly, though, I would never in all of eternity, change my life for what I thought I wanted. Sure, you can go to the fundraisers, or a special banquet, and being the mom of a special needs kiddo can seem almost romantic. It is not. For sure. But, as far as I still have to go, I would never be the woman/mom/wife I am today without the Lord's special design for our family. As much as I would wish my guys to wake up one morning with a full vocabulary and understanding of life (ESPECIALLY POTTY TRAINING!!!), that is NOT God's design for us. He has loved me and our family enough to not let it be what I wanted, but what He does. Not awesome, but blessed.
