[For the proverbial record, this is NOT a "woe-is-me" post, or an attempt to get sympathy. My heart's deepest desire is to comfort just one person who is walking this path, and bring glory to the Lord.]
I have started, deleted, and re-started this post several times. Dealing with a subject that can be practically taboo, yet is as emotionally loaded as a two-ton elephant is not easy. That elephant sits in the middle of almost every room with ladies present, yet we stumble around it, not wanting to hurt the hurting, not wanting to be uncomfortable, not wanting to be vulnerable. Yet, with each story comes a path the Lord divinely ordained for us to walk. The glory of our paths is they can be used to help others along their own journey and bring glory to the Father holding each of our lost ones.
My path down this road started last May. As I have blogged in the past, in the middle of studying, papers, quizzes and tests for Biblical Counseling I had my first miscarriage. Several months later, I walked the same road again. The chances of two in a row? Thirty percent. Twenty percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. But, the chance of one woman have two in a row is thirty percent. Then, the Lord graced us with another, right around Christmas. I passed the "week" that I had lost the first two, so thought this was it, for sure. Besides, the chances of one woman having three miscarriages in a row is LESS than ONE percent. One. One percent chance of rain? Let's go to the beach, we're good. Serious, it doesn't happen. Yet, it did. This was our David, who I have also blogged about. Now, at this point, I am quite certain some reading might think that I should just cut my losses and run, another biological child was just not for us. I've had to deal with those responses. Not helpful at all in the grieving, praying, understanding process. Our losses did not stop there. One more hope, one more loss.
Apparently, at this point my doctor decided there is something wrong with me. I am shocked by that information... What is truly shocking to me is the amount of women who hurt silently, and the seeming absence of programs (within the Church) set up to help them. I've been working on listening through lectures on Biblical counseling (through NANC), and one of the the lectures was on this subject. The doctor presenting the information said there is a massive need within the church for women to be reached, counseled, and loved through this painful process. I tend to agree with his evaluation. I understand I fall into a group that is set apart as I have a houseful of children, and can "take comfort in them", so my loss may not seem as valid. (Heard this, too.)
So, what now? A little information to share. If you are uncertain, life begins at the very moment of conception. This is a scientific fact, not a hopeful opinion. So if you feel you have no "right" to grieve what was so small, you do, and it is okay. It hurts, so grieve. Second, the Lord is mighty to save, He loves you, and He cares about each Sparrow that falls. If he cares about a tiny little over-populated bird, He cares about the precious life that He now holds in heaven. That is a promise you can take to the bank. Third, grief is a peculiar thing. You don't just come to a point, and then you've "grieved." You'll feel less pain, and then something will happen, and you will lose your breath in utter pain. That is also okay. As long as you do not allow the grief to take over, as long as you do not wallow in despair, grieve. For the most part, I'm good. Occasionally, I'll see a baby, some baby clothes, or receive a formula sample in the mail, and there may or may not be some tears... It is then my response that the Lord is watching. Do I cry out that my life is not fair, or do I bend my knee and heart, letting the Lord know His plan is good, even though it hurts?
In closing, Lamentations 3:22-23 is awesome. For the steadfast love of the Lord endures forever, His mercies never cease; they are new EVERY morning; great is YOUR faithfulness! Verse 24 certainly applies, and personalize it for yourself. Let the Lord be my portion (says my soul), therefore, I WILL hope in Him.
And, my dear sister, you are prayed for and loved.
