The title I chose is truly how the past nine months have felt to me. My soul became a desert, and each day, it broke apart more. I would beg God to let each sermon fill me and help me change, but to little avail. Finally, I had had enough.
(Rewind nine years...)
During one of our Ladies Devotions at WOL Hungary, a Guest Teacher's wife shared with us a story about a man who was broken in his relationship with the Lord. So, he went away to an isolated cabin, and in two weeks read through the entire Scripture. He would make his food, sleep, and read. This story hit me, as the Lord has blessed me with the ability to read quite quickly. So, a few weeks later, I decided to do a quick read through, but with added time, as I had responsibilities to classes and ministry. I read through the entire Word of God in just a few weeks, never "feeling" like I was learning/getting much from it. But, the day after I had finished, I went for a walk, and realized I "missed" God. It was one of those amazing moments when you realize God blessed your feeble effort to do right.
(...and now to the almost present...)
Richard and I had been seriously praying about the next steps for us to get toward ministry. After much prayer and seeking of wise counsel, I enrolled in a Master's program for Biblical Counseling. With great excitement, I embarked on my first class. I have NEVER been so stressed in my entire life. This was a Master's class on steroids! I studied from the time I woke up, late into the evening, and almost had a mental breakdown by the end. I also found out we were expecting Baby 5 during the class...and then lost Baby T... Now you might say, "geez! This girl has four kids, big hairy deal." Oh, it was. During this time, I had over ten friends expecting little ones. (Serious!) Every single time I saw a picture of one of their newborns, it was like my heart was going to explode. I was happy for them, but my heart ached. As I said above, I had enough. The Lord graciously reminded me of the time I had in Hungary, and I made a serious decision. I was going to read through the Bible by Christmas. I knew I would learn little, but hoped the Lord would meet me in my desert, and begin the healing process. I ordered a new Journal-Bible, and began the day it arrived. Seven weeks later (12.12.12), I finished. And, the Lord met me right where I was, and carried me out of the ugliness. The sadness, anger, and frustration were lifted. Some time during those seven weeks, God answered my plea to save me, and did so abundantly.
I would LOVE to say that my life is a bowl of cherries now. Nope. Just last month, He ordained that we would walk through another loss of a wee one. This time, though, was so different. I was sad, of course, but I did not wallow in the self-pity that had ruled just a few short months before. One of the biggest differences has been the fact that my Quiet Time with Him is no longer an option. I am wonderfully crazy-busy with our four precious gifts, homeschooling, and all of the other things that go along with running a home. But, pushing God until "later" cannot happen. I have realized my ultimate need for Him, and He moved ever closer to me. Through the encouragement of ladies at Church, meditating and memorizing Scripture has helped to continue the healing process for this once-broken vessel.
I am not who I once was, but I am not yet what I will be! Praise be to our Loving Heavenly Father for His graciousness in each of our lives.
