Today was a day that I tried to be prepared for anything. Let me tell you, I am quite sure I was not at all prepared for what God was going to do in me today. As many of you know, I have been anxiously counting down to my first pre-natal visit (which was today...). To me, it always seems to be the "reality check" of carrying another human being within me. After three pregnancies, you might think it becomes old hat, but not at all for me. So, I love the first visit when the doctor or nurse practitioner gets out their little "heartbeat finder" and the amazing sound of the fastest little heartbeat comes through the speaker.
On my drive to the Doctor's office, I decided to spend some time praying. I had a pretty incredible heaviness come over me, so I prayed. For those of you who don't know this, twins run in both Richard's and my families. In addition to this being a surprise blessing pregnancy, I have had several people suggest I may be big enough to be carrying twins. So, for the last few weeks, I have been praying for the grace to be joyful if this is indeed the road God has willed for us to travel. So, on my ride in, I was praying for grace to handle whatever I was to find out today. I prayed to be joyful if it was twins, and I prayed that (believe it or not!) I would not be disappointed if it was only one. (I know, crazy, but... no, just crazy!) Then, I felt the intense need to pray for the Grace to handle finding out I had miscarried. Unfortunately, I do tend to view life on the more cynical/pessimistic side sometimes. But, as I said, I felt a heaviness in my heart, and I needed to ask my Savior to hold my hand through today.
About two hours later, I was getting ready for the "big moment". The nurse had me lay down on the table, and started trying to find my little one's heartbeat. For what felt like hours, although realistically it was only minutes, she tried to find that heartbeat. Nothing. For the first time in four pregnancies, no heartbeat could be found. She left the room to go see if the Sonographer had a few moments to squeeze me in, and she did-right then. So, she threw two robes on me, and walked me across the hallway to the ultrasound room. At first, I was very calm, but then, I had to wait for a few minutes. It was so quiet in that room, and being that I am a bit dramatic in thought, I had one too many moments to consider what actually might be the problem. So, I quickly texted Richard to let him know I was waiting for an ultrasound because no heartbeat could be found. Then, I heard the technician and my nurse whispering right outside the door. No, I could not hear what they were saying, but I knew they were whispering. Whispering always makes me a little bit nervous. Finally, after waiting for ten minutes (that began to feel a LOT longer!), she came in and entered everything into the three (yes, three!) different computers before she could start. I asked her if it was normal not to hear a heartbeat, and with her back to me, she said "yes." But, it was not normal for me! At long last, I laid down again, and she poured that goop all over my abdomen, and began searching for my baby's heartbeat. Almost instantly, she found baby, and said slowly, "There isn't a heartbeat." I said, "What?!? IS or IS NOT?!?" She said, "IS"!! Definitely "is." She then went on to tell me that the reason my nurse couldn't find a heartbeat was because my due date was wrong by one week. This meant I was early in my tenth week, not eleventh, which makes a huge difference in being able to hear the heartbeat.
Now, let me tell you what I went through in those 10-20 minutes between not hearing, and seeing my tiny child's heartbeat. In those few moments, I tried to prepare myself for the fact that I may have lost our baby. I tried not to "go there", but I did. It took all of my self-control not to cry, but I know I would have been unable to speak without crying. No longer did it matter that I had almost hoped for twins. No longer did it matter that a few people in my life had made comments about whether or not we should have had another child. I just wanted the baby inside of me to have LIFE. That was all that mattered. When I saw that heartbeat-a little "click" is what the heartbeat is described as right now, I felt like God had just given me back a child, and the joy that filled me was overwhelming. I could not wait to tell my husband that we were going to have one precious little baby, that his or her heartbeat was strong! And then, I received one more gift. My sonographer gave me two pictures. I was so surprised! I said, "You printed out pictures?" She answered, "Of course, you need pictures of the 'Little Bean' that gave you a scare!" What a heart for a mother! What a gift. I know, the Baby picture really does look like a bean-to you. But to me, that picture is a picture of an amazing gift and miracle the Lord gave to me today. It doesn't matter that his/her conception was ten weeks ago. TODAY, I was given the gift of life. I was given joy at the knowledge that I am carrying another Baby Truchon. Yes, I know, something may still go wrong with this pregnancy. But, TODAY, that is okay. For TODAY, I can rejoice that the Lord knew my fears of having another baby, made me face the reality that I may have lost that little one, only to show me how much I already love and cherish him/her. This Baby is NOT #4 in our home. This little one is little brother or little sister to NaomiRae, Timothy, and Titus-John. Beloved son or daughter to Richard and Tabitha.
So, I received an amazing gift today. The knowledge and ultimate understanding that I cannot wait for the healthy arrival of my child. As chaotic as the next few months will undoubtedly become, I cannot wait, and will always thank and praise the Lord for what He did for me and in me today.
Disclaimer: To those friends of mine who have lost a Baby (or Babies): I would NEVER even dare to think that I know the grief you have gone through upon the loss of your child. The very thought of losing my child scared me to my core, and that was only a thought, not a reality. Please know that I only described my thoughts to display what the Lord did in my heart.
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