The title of this post comes from a professor that taught/teaches at Word of Life, to help his students remember the overall themes of each chapter of James. Say it out loud, it rhymes, and there are four more! The reason I bring this up, is that this has seemed to be the theme of our lives for the past year. This week, I listened to Revive Our Hearts, and the topic was one that was of utter horror to me. At the end of Monday's session, the host lady came on and described the sovereignty of God in "difficult circumstances." These circumstances were the upcoming stillbirth of a guests' baby. As I swept my kitchen, anger swelled inside of me in a fast and furious way. "Difficult circumstances?!?" There are many more adjectives that would, in my opinion, better describe the knowledge that your precious child has died just days before her due date. I was mad at the announcer and realized quickly, I was not-so-thrilled with our sovereign Father.
Oh! Who does she think she is? How can you be mad at the King of the Universe? Ummm....I'm a sinner. I know to the church-smiling world (no matter how ugly things are), my confession might bring raised eyebrows (at best). As I caught myself in my anger, I was not proud of myself either. After an entire year of trials, my first reaction was anger. Disappointing to say the least. The announcer and Nancy DeMoss were so quick to point out how much we can learn during the trials of life, and how love in the Lord can blossom. True? Yes. Painful? Ugh. And it hurts SO badly! As they talked, I realized how easy it is to turn a cold heart to others' pain. After all, in a few months, they will look back and see the Hand of God in their lives and rejoice in Him.
I know I sound cynical, and I really do not mean to be, but all of this went through my head within a few moments of time. This past year has been one that I really do not want to repeat again. We have gone through the heights of the depths. Losses of babies, a painful diagnosis for our son, constant transitions, and extreme lows in our marriage. All for what? My good and His Glory. It seems mean to have it be that simple. But it is. God does work all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28-29). By God's grace, He does not want me to be who I was yesterday, but wants me to be more like Him today, tomorrow, and each day until I meet Him face-to-face and am finally shed of this broken, sinful vessel. Throughout this year, He has shown me over and over again that I am not who I once was, but I am not yet who I need to be. Paul's statement of how sinful he was (I Tim. 1:15) makes so much more sense to me now, and frankly, I do not like the knowledge. It means there is more pain ahead if I am to grow in my relationship with Christ. Please, give me more? Every ounce of my human-ness screams "NO!!!!". I would love to think I've grown so much, God will only need some slight things to grow me. Yeah, in my prideful dreams! Maybe the pain of physical loss won't be as intense, but there will be pain. I am not looking forward to the pain in the least. What I am looking forward to is how God will be drawing me ever closer to Him, and will display Himself in love as He graciously shapes me into His image.
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James 1:2-5, 12=Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. (v.12)Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
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