Autism Awareness Month (April) has been especially trying this year. At the beginning of the month, we had Joy Baby's 18 month check up, during which it was determined she needed to be evaluated for autism. I decided not to say anything about this, because sometimes it seems talking about a "potential issue" causes a bit more chaos than intended. As I started the inquiries to find a doctor for her, we quickly learned our insurance company would not cover any evaluation for her, and the insurance company is protected from prosecution because they are based out of the State for us. Another issue we have is that since our older two boys are receiving in-home therapy, a lot of other companies will not evaluate another child, since they would not be able to provide the in-home therapy upon diagnosis. (Typically, two different ABA companies will not provide therapy in the same home at the same time...either due to liability or programming rules.)
About two weeks ago, I found a doctor who would be willing to evaluate Joy Baby. She was out-of-network, expensive, and a good distance away, but she had an opening, was willing to evaluate, and we have few options. I had a few concerns with her, but Richard was willing, so I set the appointment. A week later, I decided to try one more company. They were fairly sure they were also out-of-network, but were willing to work with us. Early Monday morning, I received a phone call that set a different series of events rolling. This company was still not in-network for our insurance, but they charged significantly less, were 45 minutes closer, and had just had a cancellation, so they had an opening Tuesday afternoon. They emailed me 27 pages of documentation I had to fill out, and told us they would see us the next day. The roller coaster ride of emotions I went through in a 24 hour period was intense. Every fear, worry, doubt, and painful memory surfaced. Along with those emotions is the torture of filling out paperwork that describes the many struggles your precious child has...in great detail. Since the evaluation is only around two hours, a lot rides on the testimony of the parents. For four hours, I had to focus on all the "bad." One question out of 27 pages asked about the positive traits of our child, and what makes them "likeable." For whatever reason, this was the question that caused my tears to flow. All I could answer was that I loved her. I wanted to know why she struggles...autism or not, I needed help to help her, because when her smile fades, she is hurting, and its painful for everyone around.
Tuesday morning, I was awakened at 4am, and the worry began. A still-small Voice whispered, "I've got this" a quiet hug to go back to sleep. The first song to play on my running playlist was, "Call it Grace" by Unspoken. If you've ever tried to run while crying...it's ugly...and really hard to breath! Within a few hours, two times God let me know how much He loves me and her. He wasn't absent, or surprised, and had divinely ordained for Chara to be ours, and for the series of events to take place. I'm not saying I was super calm and didn't worry for the rest of the day...I kinda did...but His rescue was there. At the end of our two hour appointment, we learned that we were a family who has three kiddos with autism. By God's grace, Richard was able to get off of work the entire day. We celebrated being a family with tacos and a movie. We didn't talk about the day, we just ate and watched a silly movie. It was a little more difficult for me to laugh, and a lot more difficult for me to not get frustrated with squabbles between the kids. There was sin, and there was a plethora of Grace.
Now begins a six-month period of paperwork with the government. We will have home visits, evaluations, and a lot of hurry up and wait. If everything goes as it should, at the end of the six months, Chara will have disability funding to pay for her in-home therapy. She will continue receiving speech through Birth to Three, since she doesn't talk, but that is a separate program.
A former pastor of ours often said, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." I'm so glad this is true, because facing this on my own would be incredibly overwhelming. One of my most favorite songs right now is "Trust in You," by Lauren Daigle. I'll close with the chorus, which is what my heart's cry has been:
When You don't move the mountains, I wanted You to move,
When You don't part the waters, I wish I could walk through,
When You don't give the answers, as I cry out to You,
I will trust,
I will trust,
I will trust in You.
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